ricksdar's Journal

Well, it has been a while since I have been able or made the time to journal. I am once again trying to get myself on a routine. I seem to  go through this constantly and it drives me crazy. The side effects of the medication leave me with no drive or ambition. On top of that once I get out of commission for a while it is hard to come back. I need routine of some sort in my life. I mean before this hit, I knew to get up at five in the morning, grab a shower, coffee and a smoke. Yeah, I know. Anyway, I would put my hair up in rollers, put on my make-up, get dressed, wake up the kids, do my hair, make sure all the kids were up and going then out the door I'd go to work. As soon as I got to work I had a routine. On and on the day would go. The evening usually were scheduled around the kids events and such. At one time I was working two full time jobs and it didn't faze me, but this sucks! There are days I can't even will my butt out of bed longer than to use the rest room or grab something quick to eat. I don't even waste time with the microwave. Cereal has become my best friend! I got away from the ice cream. I think that might have had something to do with my 320lbs of ugly fat! I eat healthy cereal too. Most of it is bran, Kashi if I can get it. The thing is, it has been like this for over eight years now. I mean it has slowly gotten worse and worse as each child graduated. Now that they are all gone I have no reason to get up. I mean Rick is out on the road for days at a time. He knows where to find me when he gets home. I do try and surprise him at times though. He deserves better and so do I. I keep fighting this battle with an unseen enemy to live life not just exist in it. I know better. Hell, I went to school to become a therapist and graduated top of my class. I was so use to beating every challenge, that when the doctor told me that my life would never be the same again. My only thought was, Watch Me! For over seven years I kept that idea in my head that I could become the old me again. As each new bone grew in I would get knocked down, but I would come back swinging. Each time it took longer and longer, until I realized one day that I was "DISABLED"! God not me, please. I know about the steps of morning our old lives. I thought I had gone through all of it. Denial for seven years............Wonder how long this anger will take!!!

I will try each day to do a little more. I will try to get to know the me I am now. I will try each day to do something I enjoy. I will try to journal each day. I will try to accept my medication and not hate it. I will admit when I need help. I will try not to be embarrassed about it. I will try to keep a food diary each day. I will try to strengthen my body each day. I will try to take time to pray and meditate each day. I will try to remember I am human every day. I will try to love myself again. I will try to give instead of need every day. I will try to relax and just enjoy each minute as the come.

I have already made one wonderful friend on DS and many new and wonderful people I'd love to get to know. I have had such wonderful advice, encouragement and shared laughter. I will always be grateful for the day I found Daily Strength!