ricksdar's Journal

I have been avoiding this all day. I think it is because when it is written right in front of you it is more real. I'd rather stick my head in the sand and hide from everything. Go into my bedroom, closing the door, and sleep. I hate stress, especially when I have caused it, knowing one day it would catch up to me. I received a portion of my ex husband retirement, only $355, but money is money. I was told that I didn't have to report it to medicaid so I didn't. Even though that little person in the back of my head was screaming at me, you better talk to someone else about this! I was so broke at the time, social security hardly covers my bills. It has been a few years since I started receiving the check. I thought that it must have been okay, since the government agencies all report to each other and I hadn't heard anything about it. There are still times I have to ask my doctor to write a note to the gas company so they won't turn off my heat or the electric company so they won't turn off my elec and my c-pap machine. I'm suppose to fax them a copy of the check or little piece of paper I get at the end of the year showing how much was received. I'm so afraid of loosing my medicaid. It would be all my own fault. I knew better, but was afraid of loosing my medication. There is no way I can afford it. By the time I pay bills there is only 255 left for me to live off of. I have nothing of value over two gran. Hell I don't even think my car is in the blue book. I thought that I would also fax copies of all of my bills, I'm not sure if they are taken into consideration or not. I have tried to google the information to no avail. I can only find statistics not guide lines. I think they are top secret or something.Oh, I'm so mad at me. How could I have allowed this to happen. No why would I allow this to happen. Why didn't I just have faith to begin with and report the money anyway, no matter what the guy on the phone said. I really don't think he understood what I was telling him. God please watch over me and if this is to be one of life's lessons, let it be that of a feather not a sword. It is so hard to let go and not obsess on it.

Then there is my youngest daughter. She just stopped being her. She dropped out of college, moved in with a guy she had known two months maybe, and got fired from her job. She got angry with us because we didn't support what she was doing. I took back my car and told her she would have to pay for her cell phone herself.  I couldn't afford it. She called telling me that Sharlena, her new mom basically, said that she would get her a phone and put her on her account because she could afford it. Found out that the police chased the boyfriend into the house with their guns drawn. She said that he wasn't running from them. He had been home at least ten minutes before they got there. He only got a driving on suspended and a night in jail.  She has lied about so much and kept so much from me. We were so close. She had every sign of drugs that they show on tv. Can you believe it, she and he are clean. She just wants to be happy and everyone to be happy for her and not question her choice in boyfriends. They came down for dinner twice, they live 45 miles away. The first time he didn't eat because it was lasagna, the second time Re chose what she wanted and he still wouldn't eat. It was taco soup. They had to quickly leave because he had a migraine pop up. When they told this to me. I said how sorry that I was. I had them look at my ceiling fan it seem to sound funny (all four lights were on in it) he looked up at it for almost a minute, then said it might be off balance. Uhm, when you have a migraine, light is the last thing you can look at. I hate to be lied to. I don't lie and don't understand liars. Okay there was the medicaid thing, but that is different and I'm getting ready to pay for it, God I'm scared to death of what might happen because I really don't know anything about it. Back to Re. I have been doing digging into any and all information I could. Her my space account that she is still signed onto automatically here. She doesn't use it often, because she has another one.  I know she wants us to be happy for her, and share in this wonderful time in her life, but she has been so secretive to everyone in the family.  It hurts. I wrote her a letter apologizing for anything I had done or might have done to anger her or cause her pain. I poured my heart out in that letter. She never even acknowledged receiving it. She was raised better than that. None of my other children would ever even think of hurting me like this. I have pissed all of them off in one way or anther. When I do they say something to me, if I'm wrong I'll say so if I don't believe I am, I'll explain why. I have always taught them to talk things out. She has basically disowned me and I don't know why. This is something never done in our family. She has the entire family confused and scared for her. Her poor father is just sick. He says he has to stay angry at her or he will loose it totally. I'm so worried for him. I even told her that, she didn't care. All she cares about is herself and what she is going through. Poor baby is being taken care of by the man of her dreams, his parents just love her told her she didn't need to work and now she is going to beauty school someday! Ya that's something to be happy about. I would love to share all with her and even be happy for her, but she has kept it all hidden for so long that we are suppose to forget that, she has. I don't know and I don't understand. I just know she is fucking pissing me off and I would like to fan her ass. I should have done that a hell of a lot more while she was growing up instead of feeling bad for her because she had a disabled Mom. She always told her friends she had to do everything in the house, but her friends that spent any time here knew better. We were so afraid of her feeling that way that Rick would do the dishes, cook and do the laundry most of the time. She just had to act upset and we would tell her forget it. God how stupid I was. Patty, my oldest, had to do so much because of this illness and Rick's jobs that kept him away from home. Patty still graduated with honors, joined the Air Force, turning down scholar ships to do so. She made E-5 in two years which is almost unheard of. She has always been a super  troop. She is happily married with two kids. No I didn't expect Re to be like her, actually I thought Re would go further. She was VP of her Senior class, Pres. of BPA, she was a born leader. She fought for the scholar ships she received. I was so proud of her. She wanted to be a head ER nurse. At first it seemed all was well. She was working part time at dairy queen, very busy social life and school. Although it did seem like all she would talk about when she called home was this boy or that boy. Nothing about her classes or what she was learning. It was I think he was watching me or I caught him checking out my ass. I knew something was up. I asked her about it and pissed her off. I mean I'm not stupid I knew she had been sexually active for a few months by then. That didn't matter to me as long as she was practicing safe sex, I have always tried not to judge my kids, but to listen. I"m not a saint and did jump to conclusions. I can be nebby, over protective and too smothering but it is all done in love. I'm just not sure where to go from here. I'm told to let it be and wait for her to figure out that she has totally screwed up. I've been told give her time and she will get it out of her system. I've been reminded on how I felt the first time I fell in love and how sure and protective I was of that relationship(Patty gave me that one) I do understand that and that is why I tried to have them come for dinner, spend some time so I could get to know him. I know he has to keep busy on the cell phone either texting or calling. He also told me that he worked on Windows Vista four years before it came out. He is 19, just turned 19. I know that I may have rushed to judge this young man, but when she had to keep him a secret, I figured there had to be something wrong with him. I mean he is a assistant night manager at Dairy Queen. And oh yeah, he works for Vista still. I'm not sure where or when but hey its good money!

I'm also tired of fighting the boys for their share of the cell phone bill. John even told me that he has his own bills! What the hell is the phone bill. I agreed to carry it almost three years ago until they got settled down and working. Okay..........still waiting for them to get their lives together. Duh Mom, they are guys at 22. I think I still have about three years. It is going to end. I am going to try and force myself to tell them either they pay up or give them back to me. Then I face a cancellation fee. I'm to chicken shit to tell them anything that might piss them off. All my children know I hate it if they are mad at me. I have felt nothing but guilt since getting this disease. It has taken so much from them. They deserved a normal Mom. There were times that I couldn't get to school functions due to the pain or the knock out drugs. Patty got the worse of the knock out meds. The boys didn't get enough of my time unless they came in my room. RE got taken advantage of by the boys, making her into the house bitch no matter what I tried. They knew I would forget or go to sleep. Re got the anger. HEy I got it. Re is still angry about everything she felt was unfair growing up. The boys turning her into a house bitch, neither Rick or I protecting her from it any better than we did, life was wonderful when they all moved out for her, then just over a year later they all moved back in, except Patty, but Shawn brought Dedra and daughter (Gabby) they took Re's room per her request. At first all was well, the next day all was hell. She was back to being house bitch, Dedra was pregnant and couldn't/wouldn't do anything. Shawn turned back into the 18yr old he was when he lived before, John the same. No one would do anything, cook, dishes, clean or laundry. I was in bed most of the time, Rick was at work trying to take care of everyone. He helped out when he could. I would get angry at the state of the house and start yelling at everyone, they would start cleaning until I laid back down. Re would worry about my health and finish everything. She hated her life and wanted to run away. They all lived her until De gave birth, so about eight months in all. From that point on Re began to fight any and all chores. We felt bad about what she had gone through when the twins moved home so we let her do anything she wanted and didn't make do many chores. She still felt like she had to do everything even though we would point out to her that she had only cooked dinner one night that week and hadn't done any dishes or laundry. She would say it wasn't fair this was suppose to be her time with us. She was suppose to have us to herself basically. She was angry that the boys lived in town and livid that Dedra and I were friends. Although to this day she denies it. She treated De like shit. If she didn't hate her she loved her. I know that the teen years are harder than hell. Re and I always talked, we were extremely close. She use to tell me I was the best Mom in the world and that all her friends wanted me to be their Mom. We would get upset with each other but we always talked it out. She was concerned she wasn't ready to leave home. I told her she could always live here and drive back and forth to college. She was so proud that she got accepted and of her scholar ships. She said she wanted to live in the dorms and was so excited about leaving home. She said I was right that she was ready now. I cried the day we left her as did she, but boy was she excited. I allowed her to use my car so she could work part time for money, she was thrilled. Then she came home every weekend. Someone told me that it wasn't good for her to do that because it meant she wasn't actually becoming independent. Of course I had to ask her if something was wrong that she needed to come home every weekend. She stopped and only came one once a month, if that. Then she started hating her room mate, and best friend from high school and wanted to move out of the dorms. I told her she could always move in with someone who didn't have a room mate or check for an empty room. She said she thought it was dorm life in general she hated. She wanted to move in with a girl friend from work. Her mother was also the manager of the dairy queen and wanted her to move in. She would only charge her 100 a month for room and board. She had already moved out long before she brought it up to us. She did move in with her boss, and the girl friend and the brother, her boy friend. She lost her job because she was being lazy her boss told me. Now she is happy. She has a Mom who isn't disabled. She doesn't have to do anything in the house, maybe watch the 2yr old for a while here and there. She doesn't have to work, cause her new Mom said so. And everyone is hers and only hers she doesn't have to share them with anyone. She is finally happy and doesn't need us for anything. Wow what are we to do. I can only give it to God. We tried our best, gave her all we had, tried to make sure she was prepared for the real world and taught her to turn to God in hard times. Only time will tell. Part of me wants to up there and fan her ass and bring her home, but she would only leave again. Maybe someday she will come home and maybe not. As long as she is happy, right?