ricksdar's Journal

I had to make yet another call to my doctors office, bothering poor Lonnie to see if there was any news yet on my effexor appeal. I wish that I could just buy it. It would be nice to be able to afford the medication that I needed when I needed it. I hate having to ask if I can have a medication that is needed. I realize that it is expensive, and the government is trying to cut back money by taking it away from medicare patients since we are the ones that need it the least!LOL I have tried so many antidepressants it depresses me. That is old news though and it will remain so until I get my medicine.

I keep reminding myself others have it worse, trying not to allow myself to curl up in bed and not come out. I forced myself today to come out in the living room and visit with my friends on DS. I look forward to each and every message and hug. I also enjoy helping any one I can. I just wish it didn't hurt to sit even worse to type. I still remember the doctor telling me that computers would be one thing that I would have to give up! HAH, just watch me. He is a great doctor but I don't like being told NO! I don't care how much it hurts, sometimes a little pain to my body eases a lot of pain in my heart. At this point in my life I think I should know which I need at the time. That is one of the privileges left us in Chronic Pain, the right of choice. That right is God given and only He can take it away.

I hope that soon the sun will be out and pour its warm light out on my world. So that I can once again see all that the Lord has given me. I'm tired of looking at four walls, the smell of a home that has been shut up, musty is it? I can't wait to feel the softness of the grass under my feet as I walk through my gardens. Instead of the warn floor beside my bed. I hate my bed but love my bed of flowers. I would rather plant a seed then water it than take a pill with a swallow of water. I guess both bring life, but one is natural and the other not. One hour without pain would be worth so much to me, to feel normal again. I know that I have to get use to the life I am in, make the best of if. But it is so hard to make the best of a life when your constantly fighting for either medication, medical care or finances because of my health. Oh well tomorrow is a new day! Maybe I'll go and plant then.