Journal

I talked it out with him last night and this morning and I feel a bit calmer.

I'm still nervous. How can I not be?

But I feel ok.

And I am happy he got a text yesterday.

Because I know that even if he said it was ok, it wasn't.

And it made me proud of the texter. Very much so.

I've also told him that I'll spend a day with Kels so he can spend a day with her.

Because if the roles were reversed, I'd want the same thing.

There's no threat there and no animosity at all, so it's not even anything to type about.

Today is dinner with my mother, brother, and I'm taking JBug with me.

Now he's eaten a plug. He threw it up but damnit, I'm sick of him eating everything.

He gets so nervous when I get angry, though.

It makes me feel bad to get angry, I yell and he runs away.

Makes me wonder if they were cruel to him as a baby.

We're slowing things down a little.

We ran headfirst into this without a second thought and it was... reckless.

I wouldn't trade him for the world but man, it was too fast.

I'm not ready for that quite yet.

But we'll see what next month brings.

Next Wednesday I get him. That's it.

:) :) :)

I wonder if he looks different.

I'm definitely starving about 10lbs off this week.

Shouldn't be too hard. I've done it loads of times.

Mountain Dew diet ;)

I was looking at pictures of when I was absolutely tiny.

It made me... frustrated. That I look like this. It's not bad but I miss like... size 5.

I'm only like a 7/8 now, but still. 2 pant sizes change a lot.

I can be about 115 again by February I bet. No big. 

I'm going to aim for 130 ish by december.

I can get that, it's like 8 lbs. Not a hard thing.

I could then get in those awesome jeans I love.

Then by January be in my most favorite jeans that are a 3/4.

:) :) :) 

No big what-so-ever.

Nine days.

I can't even explain my nerves right now.

I see all these pictures in my head and they look amazing but...

What if I am not good enough?

I have a hard time a lot with that. I've failed every time before.

Or people have failed me.

I don't want that for us. At all.

I never did any other time either.

But this time I am terrified because I just...

I don't know. Something isn't right, but it is.

It's so confusing and it's so hard because he's not here.

We're going to have 2 weeks. 

That seems like a lot but it's not.

He'll be on deployment for a year.

Gone for two.

Can I do this?

I just... I picture the last relationship and then I take that and see it blowing up and I take the one I'm in and worry it will blow up and I just cry.

Me. I haven't cried since April, the first week of basic.

I haven't let myself. I don't show weakness any more. To any one.

Weaknesses get you killed. Get you hurt. Make you vulnerable.

I am scared.

Things are so completely different now and I am a whole new person but...

I am still scared out of my mind.

So much so that I am just sick all the time.

And angry and frustrated and I take it out on myself.

I haven't shown anyone my weakness.

Not even Kelsey.

I don't trust anyone to see them.

Because when you show your weaknesses you get so incredibly crushed.

Almost irreperably crushed. You don't recover quite right.

It's like a scar that sticks out and bothers you because it looks grotesque.

But I can't do this alone.

The last time I felt sheer terror like this, I was sitting on a sidewalk by the highschool, dissolved in tears, unable to move.

Now that I'm not that girl... how do I react? How do I cope?

How do I handle this?

It's just there. Ever-present. 

And I can't figure out how to work through this because I'm scared of letting myself be scared. It's like a vicious, horrible circle.

What if I'm not good enough...