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Amyes 
3:38am
First real day of work tmrw/ my brother learning about my suicide attempt
Saturday, October 17, 2009 |
Saturday, October 17, 2009 |
So i had my orientation at toys r us which was basically just sitting in the back room learning about the store and how it's run, and, a store tour. Tmrw is my first day out on the floor working with customers. I'm nervous about it but i'm excited! I've been trying so hard to get to be who I want to be and getting a job that i will hopefully enjoy is a part of that. It's the first job I ever got on my own without the people that work there knowing my family(therefore thinking they know me). I can be whoever I want to be and it just feels so good... this is what I have wanted my entire life. I mean when you get stereotyped into being someone it's hard not to be that person even though people ask you to be more of an extrovert than an introvert they see you as an introvert and it's hard not to just let them keep thinking that... if that makes sense... i think it makes more sense in my head than it does written down. So yeah I work 12-8 and I am so looking forward to it... I hope it goes well and I can learn quickly enough.
Another thing that I honestly don't want to think about but maybe I should just think about it now and then forget about it at least that's what i would prefer. I thought my brother knew about my suicide attempt but as it turns out he doesn't. It's part of my past and yeah as far as how I am that really changed me. I never realized just how depressed I was until that day. I realized that my mind was pretty powerful and that choices should be made carefully rather than impulsively. I know some people think that people that are impulsive have more fun but it also goes the other way that impulsiveness can be a lot more harmful that carefulness. All my life I've been overly careful until i was depressed and then i just didn't care anymore. Some people may not agree with me but i'll take carefulness over impulsiveness anyday. So back to my brother... I have a feeling he will over react and will want to confront me(my sister is telling him and she is doing all that she can so that he won't be able to. My hope is that he accepts it, realizes how much he's hurting me when he makes stupid impulsive decisions, and smartens up a bit. I know this will not happen but hey I can dream. The worst scenario is the knowledge of me attempting suicide will completely ruin him, and i'll feel guilty about it and become overwhelmed with depression which will depress my parents which will depress my sister which will depress her husband and yeah basically we're all doomed if he doesn't take it well(that's just the kind of influence he has). Let's hope.
Comments
good luck on your job i hope your brother will understand and hopefuly it will help
hlep