Amyes's Journal

I haven't looked at a calendar in a while simply because I was trying to avoid getting upset. My grandpa died just before thanksgiving(in Canada) 2 years ago and the day in particular is tmrw. I realized this morning that it was tmrw and at first I was hit by a wave of sadness but then managed to get past it at least for a little bit by writing to a friend(snail mail) and then i tried distracting myself by watching tv but now it is time to go to sleep... actually i wanted to go to sleep a few hours ago since i was tired from staying up late doing homework last night but i knew that would never happen. Right before sleep is so hard for me and if i could do whatever i wanted tmrw then i would just ride it out and let myself be sad but there's a job fair tmrw and it's a good opportunity to get a job since i really need one. 

 

I have ativan that i take for anxiety and to help me sleep but ever since i found out my older brother was taking it illegally(getting it from a dealer and not having any of the problems it's used to treat... he uses it to help him sleep but that's stupid because if he bothered to have a regular routine and eat enough he'd be fine) I haven't wanted to take it... it feels like the wrong thing to do. I can't break down tmrw but the only two things that can delay me from breaking down are cutting or taking ativan- both won't make me feel good about myself but i'll be a total mess otherwise- that's a great way to get a job.

Must breathe...