Journal

Another thing that I honestly don't want to think about but maybe I should just think about it now and then forget about it at least that's what i would prefer. I thought my brother knew about my suicide attempt but as it turns out he doesn't. It's part of my past and yeah as far as how I am that really changed me. I never realized just how depressed I was until that day. I realized that my mind was pretty powerful and that choices should be made carefully rather than impulsively. I know some people think that people that are impulsive have more fun but it also goes the other way that impulsiveness can be a lot more harmful that carefulness. All my life I've been overly careful until i was depressed and then i just didn't care anymore. Some people may not agree with me but i'll take carefulness over impulsiveness anyday. So back to my brother... I have a feeling he will over react and will want to confront me(my sister is telling him and she is doing all that she can so that he won't be able to. My hope is that he accepts it, realizes how much he's hurting me when he makes stupid impulsive decisions, and smartens up a bit. I know this will not happen but hey I can dream. The worst scenario is the knowledge of me attempting suicide will completely ruin him, and i'll feel guilty about it and become overwhelmed with depression which will depress my parents which will depress my sister which will depress her husband and yeah basically we're all doomed if he doesn't take it well(that's just the kind of influence he has). Let's hope.

  

Some more good news: So it was the 2 year anniversary of my grandpa's death on friday. I decided to go to the beach where we scattered his ashes and have a picnic dinner. It was a beautiful day out just a little cold. Afterwards, despite being very hesitant, i decided to visit my great aunt and uncle that live a couple blocks from the beach. They were really happy to see me and ended up inviting me to stay overnight, they were pretty much insistent, and i felt a bit weird about it because i have never spent too much time with them- usually just spend an afternoon together at most. I slept so well though! 10 hours of sleep and I only woke up twice during that time. I got to spend a lot of time talking with my great aunt and that was really nice because she's really like my grandma that died when i was 4. It was nice to know that side of my family better. Seeing them made the trip over there so much better. I'm upset about my grandpa and always will be but I am definitely making an effort to spend time with those that are still alive.

 

Now after all that wonderful news, the bad news:

Before the job fair I had a panic attack, i was trying to eat lunch but only managed to eat about half of the small lunch and that was by forcing myself to eat it. After that I started to panic a lot... i ended up needing an Ativan. It's the first one i've needed in a while and it did help, if i hadn't taken it things might be worse because if I hadn't forced myself to go to that store I think my confidence would be worse than before. I was so nervous that something would go wrong and now nothing has so i'm glad. I did what i needed to do... i just wish i hadn't needed help in the form of a little white pill of Ativan.

The other bad news coincidentally involves Ativan as well. My brother got 10 mg as a "bonus" from his dealer a week or so ago. He took 1 mg to help him get to sleep one night and the next night he told me(because he can't keep his mouth shut about anything unlike me... i'm not saying keeping your mouth shut is a good thing... it nearly killed me) and so i asked him to not take anymore and bring me the rest although i did talk to him about the effects and the safe amount to take and stuff(i've done a lot of research... with me facts about things i've read about come spewing out instead of personal facts) and in a way i feel like i was saying it was okay to take Ativan. That's not at all what i wanted. I did get a bit emotional after that and tried to make him realize why he shouldn't take any more. I now know that completely failed. Big time. He finished taking the pills, I found out a few minutes before writing this... have to write because there's no way I can sleep now unless i take something to help me and there's no way i could do that despite having about 4 different doctors saying that it was perfectly alright. Sometimes pain isn't meant to be numbed no matter how much we want it too... it's healthier not to take anything. Or maybe i'm just sad and thinking about my childhood when i always had the flu and my mom never gave me anything for besides a comfy bed wherever i chose to sleep(next to her bed, the bathroom floor, the hallway, the living room, the family room, and even the rare time my own room) and a bucket with towels around it. Okay now i miss my mom. You know what i can't write anymore my wrists hurt. Damn it.