marjoe's Journal

I had a pretty good meltdown yesterday. Out of the blue, like it normally hits, and guilt was on one shoulder and regret on the other. I had a good cry - several good cries. And I told myself ok, if I'm going to wallow, go all out - for today. I went to bed early; made sure I could get a good night's sleep. When I woke this morning, I went on the computer and a friend had emailed me an article about regret.

"We assume an untruth when we're in the throes of regret. We assume that the thing we should have done, but didn't, would have turned out better than the actual outcome. But how can we possibly know with certainty? We can't. Truth be told, we don't now how things would have turned out. Our minds, however, tend to idealize what isn't in lieu of what is. If only - is the accompanying refrain. Life occurs in divine order regardless of our judgements about it--facilitates me in owning and releasing my judgements so that I can embrace what is."

When I try to think about what I've regretted, nothing substantial actually comes to mind; the only thing I can pinpoint is that we danced around him actually dying, and didn't talk about it except one time, at the beginning. It all comes down to acceptance of the fact that my husband was a separate human being with very specific ideas of how he was living the last months of his life. My regrets are a fantasy. The reality is, we had talked about this over the years, and our love for each other was reinforced over and over again.

So I cleaned like a fiend this morning, then went for a walk on the beach. 30 mph winds, there were 3 windsurfers out there having a great time - leaping out of the ocean, doing flips, going so fast - I watched, entranced, for half an hour, getting sand blasted the whole time! Then I went for a Bloody Mary, and mussels, and spent 2 hours in the company of the regulars at the bar who I've known for years. A good morning. I thank G-d for the little things, and for all of you here - so my mantra kicks in again....a day at a time. Hugs and love, Marsha