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marjoe 
5:46pm, September 18, 2009
It's been a wrenching, emotionally draining week. Cried myself to sleep, hell, cried at work when 2 long time customers (who haven't been in in a long time) asked the dreaded question, "where's Joe?" This was different, though - different in that they although they were in shock, they didn't flee. I went around the counter to hug them, but instead of feeling like I needed to comfort them, they were comforting me. I hadn't remembered that both D & C had lost their spouses. They hugged me tight and our eyes overflowed, then I went back to the office and sobbed. C called an hour later, and said they would love if I joined them for a quiet Thanksgiving - so sweet, and so appreciated.
This morning, after a grocery run, I went for a walk on the beach. It was chilly, windy and cloudy. The tide was just coming in. I watched, and walked - then I saw a school of dolphins out about 100 yards, feeding. I kept watching, then... then they started leaping out of the waves. Like 5 feet out of the waves, it was like watching a ballet. I stood there, hand over my mouth, tearing up - but they were tears of joy, and thankfulness. What a gift of grace and beauty, when I was in need of such comfort. That feeling has sustained me through the day. This bubble of serenity that I'm in right now - I'm grateful for it. I'm just here, right in this moment. I just wanted to share this. Love you all, my friends - and thank you for the gift of yourselves.
Comments
I live on the Outer Banks. We got hit by the remnants of Hurricane Ida, as did so many other places in the south and on the east coast. The wind, rain, high surf - all expected. What wasn't expected was the fury of this nor'easter - from thursday night to friday morning, in 12 hours, what were clear roads were covered with 3 feet of standing water. The last time this happened was with Hurricane Isabel in 2003. That was the only hurricane (save for Gloria in '85) that Joe and I went through together. When Isabel hit, our business was only open for a year and a half. We didn't leave, and kept braving the winds to get in the truck and check on the store. Just before high tide, there were waves lapping at the back door - and we're 500 feet from the ocean. We had no power - only the radio on, just waiting and praying. This time, I went through it alone. Same thing - watching the water creep up to the back door. But it 's different - I remember the support we got and we gave then, and I'm getting and will give the same support now. I was able to handle it by myself. I guess I'm learning to stand on my own two feet. I guess I've known that, (my therapist would say "you've been doing it all along"), but the strange thing is that I feel to fully accept it, I'm leaving Joe behind. How do I keep him in my heart, yet find the strength emotionally to accept that I am who I am now?
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You have found the strenght to continue and will continue doing so because Joe prepared you for it. Sometimes, we wonder how was I able to make it through this and when we stop to think our spouse prepared us in there own way for us to make it through. Carlos was always explaining things to me about why it must be done this way or the purpose of it and now that I find myself alone I remember his words of caution which helps me make it through the tough times. I honestly think that they are still beside us guiding, protecting and loving us. I hope things get better for you and the storm is over. Take care and God bless you. Hugs Linda
Good one, huh? I may be 53, but I still have all my Black Sabbath albums from when I was 15. And I'm listening to Paranoid right now. Hurricane/tropical storm/nor'easter Ida is here, rain is going sideways and I'm thinking I'd better bring paper work into work tomorrow, 'cause it's going to be slow. But right now? I'm drinking a glass of wine, Ozzie is cranked up, and I'm here reading everyone's posts. Sometimes I pay attention to the rebellious 15 year old that's still alive and well inside of me -- and I'm glad she's there.
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Enjoy the wine and the music...Hugs to you and to the 15 year old. You made me smile and now I'm going to have glass of wine and some dinner!!!
Hugs,
Gloria
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When it gets really bad for me, the Rolling Stones or Led Zeppellin seems to help. I was a Black Sabbath fan back in the day, too, but my niece got all my albums. Hey - is that 15-year old old enough to drink that wine?? :) Enjoy and stay safe. Love and Hugs, Martha
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I am glad the 15 year is having some fun. Enjoy the wine and listen to the music because you deserve it. Hugs Linda
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September 2009 |
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Have a wonderful Thanksgiving, Marsha. You are a very special girl. Kip.
KipB
I'm sorry you've had a difficult week Marsha. The dolphins sound wonderful, we get them here in our harbour during the summer months but usually only in pairs. The feeling of peace they convey is quite amazing isn't it.
I just wanted to wish you a good day today for your "Celebration of Survival".
Thinking of you - Love and Hugs, Angela
mooreandmore
This made me think of the resolutions list I came up with, specifically #2:
2. Be grateful for small blessings, unexpected wonder, loud laughter, minor successes, and new knowledge.
I had a similar experience last week, when I was feeling like total you-know-what. Each year here we get flocks of birds migrating south, and the crows come to roost. I was driving home and there was flock of what seemed a thousand crows flying in the colors of a spectacular sunset. It took my breath away. Unexpected wonder. A beautiful reminder that there are still things here to experience with joy even when we are in the depths. It is a gift.
Thank YOU, Marsha, for being such a good and loving friend and being there. You, too, are a gift.
Much Love and Hugs, Martha
cliffskat
Marsha, I'm so sorry for the difficult week you've had. I hope this bubble of serenity lasts for a while for you. How lucky that you can walk along the beach and enjoy the wonders of nature. It sounds so peaceful and calming. I hope you had a good day. Hugs and Love, Gloria
GlorN
Marsha: I am sorry for the difficult time your are going through. I hope that things get a little better for you. Holidays are always so difficult. Take care and God bless you. Hugs Linda
lindalun