Journal

I wanted to share with anybody who has trouble with exercise that I've been doing Tai Chi from a video I got from the library for about a week, and I love it!  It is something I can do without hurting myself and I can stop when I get tired.  So far I can only do it for about 5-10 minutes, but at least I feel like I've done something to help myself.  I am going to have to buy a video so I can work with it all the time.

I have lots of work to do this week, and would love to have more energy to do it, but I have to tell myself one step at a time.  I have three big areas that I have to work on, so I have to prioritize which one is most important. 

I do everything I can to feel good, or at least to get through the day.  I drink good antioxidant juice in the morning, I eat peanut butter and jelly oatnut toast for breakfast, I take an antidepressant, three pain killers a day, and another antidepressant that helps me sleep at night somewhat.  I eat lunch, and supper, and now I do Tai Chi.  My only bad habit is drinking a can of Mountain Dew every day, and sometimes as many as two.  But I drink water in-between that, and alternate with green tea sometimes.  I take good-quality vitamins, and started taking more vitamin D3.  I don't do much exercise normally and I know that people tell me I should, but they don't feel like I do. 

I still get hot flashes since the surgery in March, and they contribute to my general bad feeling.  Since getting them I stopped drinking coffee except for a half of cup in the morning with my toast.  So the only thing that contributes to them is the soda and the pain killers set them off too when I first take a pill.  Please don't ask me to give up the Mountain Dew as I have the chronic Fatigue with the Fibromyalgia, and it is the only thing that gives me the instant energy in the afternoon. 

I don't smoke or drink alcohol.  I have never done drugs until I was prescribed the antidepressants and pain killers.  I have high anxiety and work hard to not get depressed.

Since a car accident almost two years ago now, I stopped sleeping at night without some type of pill.  So I sleep maybe 4 to 6 hours, then I have to get up and rest on the couch with a heating pad for two to three hours until I can start my day.

I suppose you are wondering why I am writing all this.  I guess I am re-evaluating why I still don't feel good.  I also wonder if people will mind if I stay on the Uterine Cancer forum, even though I write about Fibromyalgia most of the time.  But I've made more friends on the Uterine Cancer forum.  No one has ever personally written to me from the Fibromyalgia forum, even though there seems to be many more people.  Maybe it's because people with Fibromyalgia get caught up in their own misery and can't encourage others.  I hope I never get so bad that I can't encourage others anymore. 

I don't want to accept that I have Fibromyalgia.  I was scared with cancer because that is a life or death diagnosis sometimes, but there is a specific treatment for it and you get more attention from doctors and others who sympathize with you.  I don't mean that I need attention, but Fibromyalgia is a long drawn-out, life-time diagnosis, and after a while you get left in the dust by frustrated doctors and therapists who can no longer help you.  I worry that because I don't exercise much, maybe that will contribute to another bout with cancer.  I know I had it easy with only radiation. 

I'm scared now because we just lost our insurance in November, so I'm scrambling to find something else.  We lost it because it was based on our daughter's age, and now that she is 19, we no longer qualify.  It will be interesting to see how I will see the doctor next time for my checkups or how I will be able to get my medications.  Maybe God is trying to tell me something. 

Wow, this writing sure took a different turn than I intended.  I must have needed to talk more than I realized!  I don't know if this one will help anybody other than to realize that they have a great life and make them feel grateful.  I also have a great life with a husband that loves me and three super kids and friends and God.  Just wanted to throw that in there too.

Sorry this is so long.  Guess it will fit under the "wandering" entry!  (I mean rambling)

Hi Everybody!

I've been thinking of this group, but never get around to writing. 

I am very busy with Avon, being in leadership now with 8 recruits, and doing all the holiday stuff.  I do Avon to keep from getting depressed.  I have Fibromyalgia and that is a daily struggle, which make the cancer look like a piece of cake!  But at the same time, my body has trouble recovering from such things as the surgery, and I'm not completely back to normal, if ever will be.  I wanted to mention that I have great trouble thinking and focusing now, and am wondering if other people have had that experience after surgery and radiation.  Maybe it's from the Fibromyalgia and added stress of doing more with Avon, but I've heard it can be from radiaition, and I'm also wondering how much is going into menopause as fast as I did? 

I still get hot flashes, but I think I'm getting more used to them.  I don't drink hardly as much coffee, and switched to decaf even.  I wear different clothes so I am not suffocating when one hits. 

I also noticed that something inside seems "lower"?  It actually seems to be right at the opening.  Does anyone know what I'm talking about?  Like it's going to fall out! 

I don't like sex at all because it is still painful for me, between the hips being so stiff, and the rest of all of it.  But I think my marraige will handle it. 

I did get a video on Tai Chi, and find it fun and I can actually do it even with this body.  I only do a little with the video, and never push it.

We have a beautiful fall day today, so maybe I will get outside a little bit.  I have trouble leaving my house, and my therapist told me that is from my post traumatic stress disorder.  If you want to see my personal website to learn a little more about me, you can see it at   http://mysite.verizon.net/resvz1wf/blossomsofhope/

I've just recently updated it to include more personal stuff.  I'm working on facing what happened and acknowledging it.

My therapist told me to start putting some things out there for others so I can help them more.  I love helping others, in fact, I used to be a personal, spiritual coach, but gave it out because I get too fatigued.  But at least maybe someone can read some things and we can email or something.

I'm still trying to figure out how all this cancer stuff is affecting me.  I know it has opened my eyes to the plight of others with cancer, but I also notice that I am always wondering if it will come back to me in other places. 

I apologize for not writing so much to you all, but it doesn't mean I wasn't thinking of you.  Just hard to sit at the computer some days.

Love you all!

Theresa

Hi Friends,

I'm sorry I haven't written lately, but I have not forgotten you!  I am simply overwhelmed with everything lately, and having Fibromyalgia makes life so much harder.  I hate to complain because I know that here so many are suffering much worse than me, but I know I owe you all an explanation.  I do not intend to quit coming back here.  I am hoping like those strong women before me to be an inspiration or a help in some way to deal with Uterine Cancer. 

I know that I end up talking more about Fibromyalgia than the cancer, but it is my unique situation and it has been greatly affected by the surgery and radiation.  At first I did great going through radiation, but now as time has passed, I can see that there have been big changes and my body is dealing with it in a different way due to the Fibro. 

I do get frustrated and depressed, and anxious because my body does not cooperate, and I feel like a whiner continually telling others how the cancer has affected me.  But due to my experience with living with a degree of deafness, I have learned to perhaps "overtell" in order to help others understand that I am not stuck up, not ignoring them, and not stupid, but just trying to do the best I can.  So many times when you can't see what someone is really feeling on the inside, you assume the worst. 

Tomorrow I am going to see my family doctor to review my medications, and to show her a very suspicous mole that is doing weird things on my back.  I am really concerned that it might be cancer, or a continuation of what I had, or maybe a reaction from radiation?  Who knows with all that is going on. 

In the meantime, I am working on my Avon because that is my lifesaver, and this weekend I am going to the state convention in Baraboo, WI.  I am very nervous and anxious about it, and trying to relax.  I will also add that my district manager was recently diagnosed with Breast Cancer, and will have a mastectomy in about a month.  We talked briefly and she told me that there are several other in the district currently battling cancer, and I'm wondering where God is taking all this.  I am so much more aware of cancer now and want to contribute to helping others rather than always being on the receiving end.  All I can think of is that God keeps me humble with Fibromyalgia because my activities are so much limited. 

But, I will not ramble anymore, but to tell you thank you for still being there, and know that I have not forgotten you, even those who I have not written to, but to all women who have been touched by this tremendously life-altering struggle.

Love you all!

Theresa