buckingl's Journal

cant sleep.so hot here.  Feet are bright red and burning.  I am wide awke having run out of my amitryptilline!!!!!  Cant seem to settle and my feet are so sore.  I ahve this awfully strange rash that makes its way down my body throughout the day.  It ends the day on the soles of my feet!!!  How bizzarre.  Cream does not work.  Ice and cold flannels seem to take away the heat.  I wish I was tired.I have to get up again in 5 hours!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  But NZ is in a heatwave and it has never been hotter.  I wish I had aircon!!!!!!  My daughter draped her self in cold flannels to cool herself down so she could sleep.  I have a noisy fan that isnt much chop!!!!!!! 

I wonder sometimes why I ended up with lupus.  I have always struggled with some degree of self hate and when my body srated attacking itself it made since to think the psychological manifested itself physically.  I have PTSD from childhood but have dealth with that thru therapy.  I guess my body decided enough was enough and that I needed a wakeup call!!!!!!!!  I have to learn to love my lupus....hating it does not help me maintain my wellness.  Fighting it only makes it get stronger!!!  I pray for my lupus flare to die down and I pray everyday for a remission.  Apparently we attract positive or negative things in our lives and I have always been a bit of a pessimisst so I try to be like the people on this site that I admire.the ones who are living life to the fullest.  I want to manifest kindness and compassion towards myself and my body.  I need to let go of trying to control things that are not in my control.............all this takes time............Well need to try and get some zzzzzzzzzzzzz so signing off for now.  Lx