Journal

I have been struggling with getting baptized.  It has been pulling at my heart recently and I believe it is a commandment.  Not required for salvation but never the less the next step in my walk.  I went to the three week class at my church and I am getting baptized this Sunday.  I told my mom and she said she wished I had told her sooner because she would love to be there, to my surprise.  I told my dad and had a conversation with him about how he is going to church with his girlfriend and they told him he can not take communion without being baptized.  I told him it was not a requirement and that they were wrong.  I struggled with communion too.  I thought I was not allowed and was not supposed to but after asking some questions I was told that all I needed was a belief in Jesus that he died for my sins on the cross and rose again.  I have been taking communion for the past few months.  The following are a few versus that hold significance in my heart and my testimonial.

James 2:26

For as the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without works is dead also.

1 Cor 10:13

But remember that the temptations that come into your life are no different from what others experience.  He will keep the temptation from becoming so strong that you can't stand up against it.  When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you will not give in to it.

Ephesians 6:10-20 The Whole Armor of G-d

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.  Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.  For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.  Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.  Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.  In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.  Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.  And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests.  With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.  Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should.

Psalm 23The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not be in want.He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul.He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever. 

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It was all about me.  My ego and pride guided my actions.  I would say I am a good person and my actions were not hurting anyone but me.  I was wrong.  I would help you as long as I got something out of it.  I was the center of the universe.  All I wanted to do was get high.  That was what my life was all about.  I was hopeless, scared and desperate.  I was stuck chasing my tail with no direction or purpose. 

April 22, 2007.  I was struggling with the whole Jesus thing.  I was struggling with not getting high.  Drugs and alcohol brought me to my knees.  Being raised Jewish, I believed in G-d but He really was not doing anything for me.  I looked to Him when I needed something.  I was going to a Friday night AA group called the James Gang.  They are more of a Christian fellowship than anything else.  I had been presented with the bible and told to read it daily.  They never pushed Jesus on me but they let me know what he had done for them.  Being the smart guy that I am, I went looking for evidence.  I always thought Jesus was a good teacher and that was about it.  After doing some reading, it became clear he either was a lunatic, a liar or he was the Lord our G-d.  Some of my reading included More than a Carpenter, Case for Christ, Case for Faith and Case for Easter.  I was looking for the smoking gun, the burning bush.  Well, no such event occurred but I was overcome with hope.  Why was I here and what should I do?  I prayed and asked my group questions.  I started attending GBC with a friend and his family.  I was afraid of what my mom would say but that was more of an excuse because I had a reservation to get high again.  I was at the end of my rope and I was hoping that this was the right decision for me.  Finally, I made the decision that Jesus was my Lord and Savior and died on the cross for my sins.  I was not perfect, I was not the center of the universe and I would continue to fall short on a daily basis.  It was no longer about me.  I asked out loud for help.  Jesus helped me to stand up.  He gave me the hope and encouragement to continue to fight the battle.  One of my favorite verses is James 2:26 “For as the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without works is dead also.”  For me, this meant it was time to walk the talk.  Put up or shut up.  It was time to change and I was going to be held accountable.  For the first time in my life I was looking forward to tomorrow, still scared but hopeful.

Amazing Grace says it all.  I was lost but now am found, was blind but now can see.  I am a good person who has been given a conscious of the Holy Spirit.  I think about others and try to put others needs before my own.  I want to spread the word that there is a permanent solution to the problem of addiction (sin) to anyone who will listen.  Jesus has done for me what I was so unable to do for myself.  He has removed the obsession and compulsion to use and abuse drugs and alcohol.  All my life’s bumps and bruises pale in comparison to his sacrifice for me.  I still struggle daily to find my way through life’s obstacles but today I have help and encouragement.  Today, I have the armor needed to win the war.  Ephesians 6:10-21 is another one of my favorite passages.  Practical advice how to defeat the deceiver.  The battle is waged everyday of my life.  Today, I try to never go to bed mad or angry with anyone.  I ask for forgiveness daily and try not to repeat poor behaviors.  Today, I like myself.  Today, I strive to be the person G-d wants me to be.  Today, I am not afraid to ask for help.  Today, I will stumble but today, I will get up and continue to fight.  When people ask me why me, why pain and suffering, I respond with G-d has a plan for all of us.  Why bad things happen, I DO NOT KNOW.  But because I believe in G-d, I believe there is a purpose for everything we go through.  A lesson to be learned.  No coincidences.  People and things happen into our lives for a good reason.  Today, I try to remain humble.  Today, I am grateful.  Today, I have hope for a better tomorrow.

Okay folks, here is a little summary of my day at Iron Sharpens Iron.  Tony Evans was very good.  His two sons were there both speakers as well, one was a singer as well.  He talked about G-d having a plan for all of us.  No matter how battered or beat up we are.  If we are still breathing then G-d is not done with us yet.  He spoke about as men we should walk the talk.  It needs to start at home plain and simple.  Allow the Holy Spirit to fill your heart and walk the talk.
 
(Tony Evans)
Gen 18:19
19 I have singled him out so that he will direct his sons and their families to keep the way of the Lord by doing what is right and just. Then I will do for Abraham all that I have promised.” 
 
* I have chosen him
     Despite failures and flaws G-d is not done with us.
* Spiritual responsibility to walk the talk.
     Man learns to live under the lordship of Jesus.
     It starts at home.
* Carry yourself with dignity
     Righteousness
     Justice
     G-d’s Standard – Do not let the world lower the standard.
* Dominion
     Right place – right time.
     Help others.
     Walk the talk.

Leftovers in the hands of a master…
 
I heard Cliffe Knechtle speak about hard questions and real answers.  Here is some of what I took away.
Jesus is asked 183 questions in the Gospels.  He answers just 3 of them.  He asked 307 questions back.  Jesus does not do question and answers as much as he does question and question.
    * Why is there evil and suffering?  I DO NOT KNOW.  But, if there is a G-d, I am sure there is a reason in the grand scheme of things.
    * G-d is fair.  Life is unfair.  Do not get these mixed up.
    * Men and women are meant to be together (GEN 2:24).  A life long commitment should be made and honored.  (24 This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.)
    * He believes the bible literally however he reads things in context and respects literary style.  (IE.  The land of milk and honey.)
    * How can I know Jesus was who he said he was:
    * His Lifestyle
    * His Ethical Teachings (Sermon on the Mount)
    * His Death
    * His Resurrection
    * When some asks a wacky question do not let them lead you down the rabbit hole.  There are answers to questions but we must rationally sit down and discuss it.

Last, I was privileged to hear the General LTG (Ret.) William G. Boykin.  I have to say, for a 60+ year old gentleman, he could kick my butt.  His testimonial was very powerful.  His life has been filled with real life, life and death stuff.  He said that when he was under fire (in DC by the media) and the President had publicly rebuked him, he wanted to give up.  He said the Holy Spirit came to him and told him to, “Get up, put on your armor on and get back in the battle.  I have called you for this and it serves my purpose.”  He is a man of G-d.  No doubt in my mind.  I was touched by the couple of stories he told.  I am currently reading his book Never Surrender.  I will gladly pass it along to anyone who would like to read it when I am finished.
 
All in all, it was a quick day.  There was (a guess) about 4,000 men gathered on a Saturday morning to praise G-d and remember why Jesus laid down his life for us on the cross.  There is a Woman’s Iron Sharpens Iron being put together in October, I believe (in Hartford).  The first of its kind.  This was my second ISI and I was once again very impressed and touched.
 
The General mentioned these two psalms.

Psalm 13
O Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever?
How long will you look the other way?
How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul,
with sorrow in my heart every day?
How long will my enemy have the upper hand?
How long will my enemy triumph over me…
Been asked before and will be asked again
 
He was thinking the above psalm words exactly.  He was not the first to think this and he will not be the last.  The Holy Spirit responded with this thought: 
Get up, put on your armor on and get back in the battle.  I have called you for this and it serves my purpose.
 
Psalm 27:3
Though a mighty army surrounds me,
my heart will not be afraid.
Even if I am attacked,
I will remain confident.
 
G-d is putting together an army as well to fight the battle with us.
 
Shawn

I have been thinking about what I would like to say at my Friday night group anniversary meeting.  I know it’s better to just let it come from the heart.  Many AA’ers don’t like our group and are threatened by it, I guess.  Recovered is on the front page of the Big Book.  I do not know what they are afraid of.  All I want to do is spread the truth that there is hope and a solution to our problem.  It used to say, Never have we seen a person fail who has followed our steps with rigorous honesty.  This is what I would like to sound like…

Okay, so first and for most I would like to say that G-d has done for me what I was so unable to do for myself.  Now, I would like to clarify that you do not need G-d to recover from drugs and alcohol however; I know that I need G-d to be forgiven for my sins.  That means that whatever I do and however I live my life G-d will be watching.  Since I have accepted Jesus as my Savoir, I am now expected to conduct myself in a certain manner.  That means that it is not about me today.  Like the Big Book says, we only keep what we have by giving it to others.  Love G-d and love our neighbors, sums that up pretty clearly.  A quick background on me.  I was raised in a reformed Jewish home and brought up believing in G-d.  When drugs and alcohol took control of my life, I was unable to break the cycle of use and abuse.  Not that it matters but I was a low life junkie/drunk who was somewhat functioning.  I thought of myself as a nice person but that meant I was nice as long I got something in return.  So, I used to say I was spiritual but not religious, whatever that means.  It meant that I was in control and I was driving the bus.  Well, that bus went off the road quit a few times and finally I did not have the answer.  Drugs and alcohol brought me to my knees.  The James Gang helped me to figure out what I needed to do.  I read many books – Big Book, Good Book, Case for Christ, Case for Faith, Case for Easter and More than a Carpenter to name a few.  I was looking for proof that Jesus was who he said he was.  I wanted a smoking gun.  Sometimes I think I am too smart for my own good.  After all my reading and thinking the proof was right in front of me.  The people in the James Gang are two bit junkies/drunks just like me and they had something I wanted, peace.  The carried themselves in a manner that was pretty obvious.  So I made a decision, that Jesus was who he said he was and that forgiveness and hope was a decision away.  That was the turning point.  I started to learn that all of us are sinners and all of us are forgiven.  There was no bright light or voice from above but there was a feeling of peace and a hunger to be a better person.  Helping others was the clearest way I saw to helping myself.  My selfishness still fed into the fact that I received some gratification by helping others but it was a step in the right direction.  So, when I finally decided that Jesus was who he said he was, I was given the gift of grace.  To me, that meant that I was still a sinner and failed miserably on a daily basis but that today, I understand when I fall short and it bothers me.  The Holy Spirit has given me a conscious.  I know it might sound hookie but today is a good day.  Through the ups and downs, things today are good.  The James Gang is about helping anyone develop a relationship with G-d and being set free from the obsession and compulsion to use and abuse drugs and alcohol.  I still speak with my sponsor pretty much on a daily basis but the fact of he matter is that I have access to G-d 24/7 365.  In the beginning, when I was too stubborn to pick up the phone, picking up the Truth (Good Book) often got my thoughts away from the obsessive thoughts.  So, I am here tonight to guarantee that if you put your faith in G-d, you will be set free.  He will do for you what you were so unable to do for yourself!  I am not trying to convince anyone that Jesus is the answer to everything.  I think the Holy Spirit will do that for you when the time is right.  I am trying to tell you that accepting Jesus into my heart has saved my life and I hope that he will enter your heart someday too.