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cassiec 
Well, Thursday will be the last treatment of the 5th serious. I am looking forward in a week off. I am feeling pretty good. I am nauseous up to the day before my treatment, so that sucks. The best thing is not muscle pain. I have been going to the gym everyday which is helping me feel better. Plus it lets my husband know how I am doing.
I just went to a support group for overain cancer patients. I have been having several issues that my husband does not like it when I talk about them. One major one is that I hate myself. I do not look myself and hate looking at myself in the minor. I cry just about every day because I do not feel myself. For the first time I told someone else about how I was feeling. I still hate myself, but it feels good to tell others how I feel and they understand where I am coming from. I want to change what I see, but cannot until all this is over. So the wait is hurting me more.
I have been looking into becoming a oncology massage therapist. I noticed that there are no massage therapist that specialize in oncology. The only thing we have here is renewing life which teaching people about bettering mind, body, and spirit. That is great, but there are no locations that have massage therapy, herbalist, and other modaities for cancer patients. I hope that I can find someone that would like to work with me to create such a location. My only concern is that if people would have the money to pay for the services. I do not want then exspensive, but cannot give all my services away. I just do not know. I had such a hard time getting my business of the ground for a 1 1/2 now I have to start all over again. I did it wrong the first time and do not know how to do it better.
Cassie
Comments
I know how you feel. I have been trying to find a support group in my area. I am told constantly that I am so young to have such a disease. I wish someone would have told my body that. I have it and I am going to the treatments for it so age really does not matter. I look at myself and I don't recongize who I am any more. I keep refering to myself before I got sick and after I got sick. I just want to be back to myself to be normal. I feel like I complain constantly. I just want to be normal again.
Viv1978
I am so sorry about how you are feeling. I know just with the three surgeries I had issues and can't image what you are going through right now. You are almost done with your treatment. Sometimes a walk outside maybe in a park or nature trail will help boost your spirits. Something about hearing those birds sing that always puts a smile on my face. Big big hugs.... What a wonderful idea using your gifts to help others. I know you can make it happen. More big big hugs!
buttany1
Viv,
Thanks! I have been fishing, camping, and going to knitting groups to help others. That just takes my mind off of how I really feel. The journal was the first time I told people what I have been feeling about my self image.
I know I can use makeup and wigs, but then I really feel not myself. I feel fake. So I am a mess. I know that I will get better I just need to keep doing things to take the focus off of what I do not have and what I can do for others.
Cassie
cassiec
I think it's a great idea to add chemo massages to your repertoire.. Even if you don't get much call for them, you will be there when someone needs this. I would love to have massages now and then.
Sad to read that you hate yourself just now.. it is very tough, but I guarantee.. you will get out of this better than you ever were before. So many things, that are so challenging and difficult, we just have to put up with, whilst going through this.. Lots of things we can't change for ourselves or do very much about.. doesn't help to go there or dwell on it, but we all do sometimes.
I was so vain about losing my hair, that the first time I was offered taxol, I refused to have it!!! Last year, nine years later, I had to agree to it.. We make the best of it and right now I love my hair.. it has come back really healthy and has some curls to it.. I do look back at the time when I was a chemo-wreck as liberating in many ways.. I think I learned to love my self more by the end of it.. My hair had always been too important to me and loosing it helped me to resolve all sorts of issues that I was having with getting older and how I looked. You will get over this I am sure.. mean time.. let your inner beauty shine freely and dazzle the world.. We know you have oodles of it.. Big hug lovely lady.. xxx
Halli