SimpleReal's Journal

Am just about 5 or 6 days short of 6 months sans weed. 

Am so glad to have persevered through these months. Sometimes I crave it, sometimes I go days or weeks without craving it. Sometimes I crave it very heavily. Sometimes the craving passes very quickly, sometimes it sticks around for a few days. It it like weather patterns.

Sometimes stress triggers the craving, sometimes the craving is triggered when I feel rushes of pleasure from other outlets (career, vacation, beautiful evenings, visits with friends). Sometimes I feel that I am strong enough to always abstain from the weed, and sometimes I cannot imagine going a whole lifetime without reverting back to my old habit of running away. When I cannot imagine going for the whole summer without weed, I vow to last for the whole day. The old "one day at a time".

In the past, when I have done this, "one day at a time", it didn't work for me because I then celebrated as soon at that day was over by smoking the next day. So for me, now, even when I do "one day at a time", I am also inserting the disclaimer that I'll only focus on today, but that tomorrow must be another "one day".

Sometimes I have dreams that I am smoking again, and in these dreams I usually regret my addicted reactionary "decision" to smoke. These dreams actually help me because I feel as though I am living the lesson throughout the night. In my waking life, over the years, I have already gone through that experience so many times, and at the other end of it I always feel that the giving in and smoking was always so anticlimactic and disappointing. But in the past, it was also the opening of the flood gates, and then I allowed my chronic use and abuse to overflow my life again. 

Sometimes I bargain with myself, saying that I'll keep on abstaining until so-and-so visits, or until I go on a tropical vacation, or until I make X amount of dollars. I do not actually like those bargains. My deeper, inner knowing says that no matter what happens, the weed is a sly creepy destructive way to lie to myself and to run away from reality. I am here to live life so that I can be in touch with reality, not try to force it to be enhanced or different.

I have more support at home than ever before. My wife has finally also quit (about a month ago, and going strong). This helps so immeasurably. I do know though, that the journey is my own, and only I can keep myself off of the drug.

I did some journaling (paper) awhile back, and realized that I had never in 20 years gone without smoking during the summer months. I had achieved a few runs of a few months or maybe even 4 or 5 months, maybe. But these periods of abstinence had never lapped into the summer months. They relapsed due to the many triggers I have associated with humid, lazy times of pleasure and rest and parties. And camping. And pausing, fishing, hiking, concerts, etc. 

Am glad I did that journaling in advance, or I wouldn't have seen it coming. True enough, this month of June has seen the most triggers and the most craving of the last 6 months. I have used my support groups, accountability and other tools (like meditation, sponsor, journaling, etc) to stay clean and sober. 

Overall, I am so happy to be weeding out these habits, these old seeds of destruction, rather than allowing them to proliferate.

God Bless!