Journal

Ugh

_________

I'm editing this now, the next day, in a better frame of mind. By the above I supposed I meant:

one's shattered, as if shot with an arrow. 

Have still been abstaining from weed. Contrary to what I've heard as the experience of many people, it has been harder to abstain the longer I go. I suppose this is because I forget about all the negative aspects, and romanticize about how nice it would be to "escape" my overactive often stressful mind and life. 

Nonetheless, I am still abstaining from weed. I still know that it is just not the path for me. For 20+ years I've wallowed in the lame existence of being constantly stoned.

I have never been a big drinker, but know that in the past I have substituted booze in for weed when I tried to quit the weed. So although on a "normal" basis I'd have only a couple drinks per month, I chose to quit booze when I quit weed. But it wasn't a primary goal. In fact, in the back of my mind I always thought that I would allow myself to have drinks a couple times a year - like on my birthday and maybe New Years. 

So, for my birthday a few weeks ago - amidst daily stress and desire for an escape - I let go and had a couple drinks. And then I planned on going back to total abstinence. But then the next night I was like, "F#ck it, I never ever have drinks with friends anymore, as long as I have just drank I may as well have one tonight before I put the guard back up again".  And then on a date mid-week, my wife was drinking wine, and I never join her in this - but I was like, "I'll blend in".  And then again at a major league baseball game, I had a few beers. But I didn't even enjoy any of this.  So, three or four nights of a 1 to 3 drinks over the course of a two and a half weeks. Not exactly a "bender", but it was enough to make my brain scream the following indignity: "This is f#cking ridiculous! I don't even enjoy the alcohol buzz! Its a lame buzz, it isn't creative, it makes me feel nauseous and gross, and dehydrated. I stink and cannot read or write now! And in the morning I feel hungover from only a couple drinks". In short, I started to loathe the alcohol feeling, and began to act like a baby because I was whining because I wasn't having the weed feeling that I realized that I really craved, and was really wanting. Very dangerous steps. 

I know that many weed or harder drug relapses happen because of the dangerous step of having a drink - and then two drink, etc. 

So, what I'm saying to myself here is that in a very simple, subtle way I allowed the floodgates of intoxicants to open up and although I only partook a bit (and didn't even enjoy it) it was enough for me to really feel the demons of the craving for my drug of choice.

I reiterate, for someone as powerfully hung-up on weed as myself, it is best not to be flirting with substitutions.

 At the time though, going into the birthday drinks, I didn't think of it as a substitution, I only thought of it as a way to party and celebrate like a "normal" person. What a joke! There is no normal!

I am grateful that I didn't relapse on my goal of not smoking weed.  I came close. 

Lots of trials here. 

I often have a song by Buju Banton in my head. Close One Yesterday.

The chorus helps me out quite a bit:

say, one day things must get better, be strong 

Check it out:  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W-ceW8cSLak