BAB09's Journal

Lying and Stealing and Compulsive Tendancies.  No, I haven't read every single book on the subject, but I've read a lot, and I've had countless conversations with Mental Health Professionals, Educational Experts, Parents, Juvenile Justice workers, Doctors, Phd's.  He has been introduced to all the exercises, journal reflections, activities, assignments, encourangement activities, support systems, 12 step groups.  The bottom line is that he is, in a lot of ways, more pathetic than he was four years ago because he is now defined as a patient with problems.  We tried to treat him as a kid battling demons, but all his demons are still there, waiting in the wings.  And he knows that if his father or I turn our back for a moment or let our guard down, they rear their ugly heads and take over and set him all the way back to zero.  His sisters have friends, activities and outside interests; they go to football games, attend clubs, run for Student Government, make the Cheerleading Squad, cherish their friends, stay up late doing homework, laugh and laugh and eagerly anticipate the next day,   and I can't even believe they managed this living with a brother who sees the entire world as an enemy to battle, and merely drags himself from day to day trying to survive. I understand that Depression/Anxiety can be overwhelming, but why in God's name does it cause him to steal and lie repeatedly and run away from responsibilities and refuse to acknowledge accomplishments, past or present, and sneak behind everyone's back?  His pat answer to everyone's "Why?  Why did you do this to me?!"  is "I'm working on it".  And I do not see that he is working on it at all.  The Psychologist said that he is now more communicative with me, and that is all I can expect of him at this point.  Really?? How do I really know that that is all that he is capable of?  Is battling compulsions and depression and addictions really that exhausting that he had to sacrifice his entire childhood from 12 to 16, and completely distort his relationships with every family member, throw away relationships with compulsive drug use and stealing?  And cause his own Mother to doubt that she has the strength to cope with living with him much longer?  Is that really all I can expect?  God, I love him, but I never thought that I would be given these challenges, and I am so tired.