Journal

So he mowed the lawn Saturday and did all the "extra" stuff, and wanted to know when he would get paid.  This was really tough for me because all I hear from his sisters is that he stole this or that from their room or their purses, and they are so mad and fed up.  Also, he hacked onto sister's laptop Sunday and was on pornographic websites again, and when we came home from the store he told us he had been "so bored".  My poor 13 year old screamed when she saw what he had been looking at.  He later asked me again for money. I told him I was upset and we would discuss money this morning before school.  So we did, and I  told him we have been working on these compulsive behaviors for a long time now and I am not seeing results.  He claimed that in therapy he does work on compulsive behavior modification, I told him he needs to address the toll it has taken on his family.  No one can put a dollar or a stick of gum on a table and walk out of the room.  And then I had to give him the money.  I could not withhold it, he mowed the lawn.  However, I told him that if he did not make better decisions with the money this time, he would not be given the opportunity to earn the money again for a very long time.  ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER  THAN WORDS.......we tell him this every day.  DO SOMETHING to show your sincerity.  The therapist feels that to continually withhold cash from teens is damaging.  She acknowledges that it is difficult to "turn the page" , but necessary.  It is becoming ridiculous.  Part of me wants to see (yet again) what he decides to do with the money, and part of me knows that he is going to blow it on soda, candy, and cigarettes.  At least it's not drugs like last year, right?

He has been on probation for 3 months, so it is half way finished and we are just now having our first meeting, and that one is a result of husband insisting on it.  Son sat there and lied to the probation officer in order to give her the impression that he is the ideal juvenile who is behaving properly. He agreed that he was preparing for college, while he tells us repeatedly that his goal is to drop out and live at the beach.  She ate it up and suggested that he take a train or plane trip with a friend to visit college campuses.  She suggested culinary school (?!?) She complemented his hair cut, which was cut by a friend of his 6 months ago and has been kept under a wool cap since then.  She asked about his adherance to 6pm curfew, which isn't a problem because he has no friends. Son just fed her lines, and then when the meeting appeared to be ending, I had to be the one to inquire about a drug test.  The entire reason for the visit.  She turned to him and asked him what he thought.  He stated that he felt he would fail it, due to "slipping" 3 weeks ago.  He took the test and passed it, and now he is thoroughly convinced that he can skate through the system and do whatever he wants.  He has no respect for authority.  He lied and lied to her, but she doesn't care because he isn't they typical juvenile she sees who is a repeat offender and has no aptitude.  He is sly and conversational, and witty and humorous, and charming, and he will steal your purse as he is telling you his plans for the future. 

Lying and Stealing and Compulsive Tendancies.  No, I haven't read every single book on the subject, but I've read a lot, and I've had countless conversations with Mental Health Professionals, Educational Experts, Parents, Juvenile Justice workers, Doctors, Phd's.  He has been introduced to all the exercises, journal reflections, activities, assignments, encourangement activities, support systems, 12 step groups.  The bottom line is that he is, in a lot of ways, more pathetic than he was four years ago because he is now defined as a patient with problems.  We tried to treat him as a kid battling demons, but all his demons are still there, waiting in the wings.  And he knows that if his father or I turn our back for a moment or let our guard down, they rear their ugly heads and take over and set him all the way back to zero.  His sisters have friends, activities and outside interests; they go to football games, attend clubs, run for Student Government, make the Cheerleading Squad, cherish their friends, stay up late doing homework, laugh and laugh and eagerly anticipate the next day,   and I can't even believe they managed this living with a brother who sees the entire world as an enemy to battle, and merely drags himself from day to day trying to survive. I understand that Depression/Anxiety can be overwhelming, but why in God's name does it cause him to steal and lie repeatedly and run away from responsibilities and refuse to acknowledge accomplishments, past or present, and sneak behind everyone's back?  His pat answer to everyone's "Why?  Why did you do this to me?!"  is "I'm working on it".  And I do not see that he is working on it at all.  The Psychologist said that he is now more communicative with me, and that is all I can expect of him at this point.  Really?? How do I really know that that is all that he is capable of?  Is battling compulsions and depression and addictions really that exhausting that he had to sacrifice his entire childhood from 12 to 16, and completely distort his relationships with every family member, throw away relationships with compulsive drug use and stealing?  And cause his own Mother to doubt that she has the strength to cope with living with him much longer?  Is that really all I can expect?  God, I love him, but I never thought that I would be given these challenges, and I am so tired.