Journal

i am learning so many things  i am learning semingly fast, i wanted to know these things earlier but i have realized we get just enough information to handle in the station we are in, God never intended for me to learn the lesson for now later, and he prepared me for such a time as this to be able to be the most effective because of my experiences the bad and the good. we often look for the whys of a thing instead of the God of the things, he will explain and have us to explore our hearts in search of the unexplainable or the things that seem to defy our understandings. i have learned to relax and enjoy the skin that i am in, i am no  longer in need of trying to fixing all the problems of everyone because i realized i am not the saviour, my blood is not precious and sacrifing myself foreveryone is not beneficial to me or those who love me. i just think that if we start paying attention to the matters of our own heart then we would have less time to look at the mote in someone else eyes.  i  appreciate the home i live in , the friends i have, the conditions that i can not change are even things that i have learned to appreciate that they are a growing and learning experience to which i can be helped and to benefit others that may need my help life is wonderful and it is often what we make it i honestly think if we surround ourselves with people who are positive and upbeat then it will affect our mood and give us more hope and help us to help others.  Praying everyone is well and that God will touch hearts open doors and ultimately deliver all from sickness and oppression. love dairy

i have found out that most of us can be faithful to things. causes, people but find it impossible to be faithful to ourselves, you show me a cause that i believe in and i can rally a movement together to rectify any wrong perceived or caused, but i have never been able to be truly faithful to myself or causing involving me, for example weight related issues, or marital issues i have had difficulties realizing thats its ok to think about myself i have used to think that it was selfish to put yourself first but i know that you must consider yourself at least in the top five i dont think that i even considered myself i would shop to make myself feel that it was ok to let others disrespect and put me down.  In retrospect i realize those are the main reasons i have been overweight for so long i have tried to please people that could not be please, i have tried to help those who didnt want help, and i tried to save people that didnt want to be save and it left me depleted when it came to my own needs i have recently started a new eating program notice i didnt say diet i say program i have taken sugars and starches and breads out of my diet and will do so for another  few weeks even though i dont think i will bring sugar and breads back but i have lost 21 lbs in 18 days i am estatic and can see the results i am overjoyed and the most amazing things is i have had to push everything back to focus on me, i have made everyone around me step a few steps to allow me room to matter to me, meaning some want to know how i  am doing and want to get updates and i basically told my sister i have to do something for me and by myself not being disrespectful to anyone but i must go this one alone i hope you are successful but this is one thing thats personal and important to me so i trekked on my journey on a discovery of me i have never been happier i have realized that in order to truly be of help to others one must first help oneself. hallejeah better late than never, why continue to keep doing ineffective things that leave you miserable, hopeless and depressed, i turn over a new leaf and i trust God who has been trying to teach me this lessons for over twenty years and my hard head has cost me so much agony i can't even tell anyone how my disobedience has costt me and my family and for this i must repent Lord i am so sorry for not following your lead and for not submitting to your will and allowing my children to do the same because since i wasnt in my right mind and i wasnt holding them responsible for the sins and wrongdoings they were committing but God was holdiing me accountable just as he held eli for not chastising his sons . i want the Lord's blessing on my life and i dont want to suffer for doing wrong i know we are going to go through i just want to do so without any wrong doing on my part. i am praying and hoping everyone is well and achieving their dreams and aspirations i am happy and i want  that for all my daily strength family