benjes's Journal

Haven't had a decents nights sleep in a week. This constant cycling is driving me crazy. For the first time in a couple of years I snapped.  All day I've been feeling very weak.  I've had no energy and really bad verdigo.  Then tonight I was trying to open my son's box of puzzles with difficulty.  All of a sudden something inside of me snapped.  I tore the box open, through them all over the place while screaming and kicked a whole in the closet door.  My children stood there stunned until I screamed at them to get upstairs.  The burst out crying and ran. I grabbed my cigs and ran outside.

It took what seemed like forever before my heart slowed down enough to go back inside.  The first thing I knew I had to do was to apologize to my babies.  I sat on the floor with them and held them apologizing over and over again.  I assured them that they did absolutely nothing wrong and that I was just going through a rough time right now.  They are so understanding.  We ended up laughing together.  They thought it was so funny that I kicked a hole in the door.  I made sure they knew that it is never okay to do things like that.  At the same time I was thinking to myself how happy I was that they thought it was funny and not scary.  That's the great thing about having boys, I guess.  Mommy's cool for being destructive.  They have a blast with me when I have to take something apart to fix.  Boy did they have fun smashing tile on the driveway when I was laying broken tile as a border for my living room and kitchen.  It's just not fair to them that they have to see the bad side of me even though for the most part they get to see the fun side of me too.  I only hope that the fun things are the things they can remember the most when they talk about me in the future.