AmberLynnC's Journal

So, last night was another rough night. I had an ok day; I went for two two mile walks with Stella (a friend's dog that I'm watching). I watched an old t.v. show with my uncle on his computer, and that was pretty funny, and very amusing. He ended up leaving for the afternoon, so he was gone from around 4.00p until 9.00p. During that time, I was doing ok. I had started feeling more anxious and nervous around 8.30p, and that was when I was thinking about eating dinner. Once my uncle got home, we started to watch a movie. It was a good movie, but I was having a hard time concentrating on it. I started feeling more and more frustrated and anxious (as well as a few other things), and started having thoughts of cutting again. I ended up writing out how I was feeling (just the feelings, and then scribbling around them), and then on the back, I wrote out what I was feeling, and tried to write down what I knew, and what I should do, as well as what I was doing to help myself in that situation. After the movie was done, I was still struggling, so I gave my uncle the piece of paper, and let him read what I had said.

At first he didn't say anything, and then he asked if I wanted to go shopping with him (even though it was 11.30p, which isn't bad, because he doesn't like crowds, and the stores would be a lot quieter, but it was a little late for me). Anyways, we ended up going, and right as we started to get in the check out line, I started feeling really sick; my stomach was bothering me, I was really dizzy and felt like the whole room was spinning, I was feeling nauseous... I asked my uncle if he could take me home after we had checked out, and after I told him why, he asked if I could stay safe at home (which made the whole thing about going shopping so late make a lot of sense). After convincing him that I could, and would stay safe, we walked out to the car, and started talking about what was going on. I told him that I had been thinking about my dad a lot, so he started asking what I could do about my dad, and if it was worth it to me to make myself emotionally and physically sick over my dad's actions (or lack of actions in some cases). Then he asked me how beneficial cutting would be to me, and if it would make my dad pay more attention to me. Then he told me that as long as I held onto the belief that what was happening with my dad was my fault, I was going to continue to struggle and make myself sicker. He told me that as much as he likes my dad, he doesn't think that my relationship with Dad is worth the pain that I'm feeling because of it. He mentioned that a couple more times, saying that even though I love my dad, and want a relationship with him, there wasn't much that I could do, and again, pursuing a relationship shouldn't cause a person to feel that much pain.

When we got home, I started to go to bed, and my uncle told me that I knew how to avoid going to a place in my mind that would make me want to cut, and that I knew how to deal with it, and that I needed to do what I needed to do (he also said that if I needed to go for a walk, I should, and to be sure to take Reba with me). I fell asleep pretty quickly (close to 12.15a), only woke up a few times, and was up for good at 6.45a. So far, things seem to be better; I'm a lot more relaxed and definitely in a better place emotionally. I'm still not feeling that well physically, but I'm sure that will improve...