AmberLynnC's Journal

I am so tired of things right now!!! It feels like when one thing starts going ok, I realize that something else is on the verge of going wrong.

This past week or so has been tough; I've been feeling more depressed, actually the worst I have felt since February... I've cried almost every night this week (I hate crying...), and over the past few days, I've had more thoughts of cutting (again,the first time in a while), and that scares me. I talked to my Uncle about it a little bit; he was glad that I let him know about the thoughts, and was concerned about how I was going to keep myself safe, since I'm alone at my Aunt's house right now (it's been kind of tough to stay busy and keep myself distracted, but overall, I've been able to do it...).

My sleep has been getting worse; it's been taking forever for me to fall asleep, harder for me to stay asleep, and then I'm still having a lot of bad dreams. It's getting frustrating. For a while, the trazadone really seemed to be helping, but now, it's not working as much... I feel like I have no energy most of the time, and am really having a hard time getting motivated to do things...

I really need to find a job if I want to stay with my uncle. Money is getting tight around our house, and I'm really struggling to find a job...

When I look at how I've been feeling and my life as a whole, it scares me. The last time I started to feel this depressed, the thoughts of cutting started getting worse, and I started having less energy (and wanting to sleep all the time, especially when I don't sleep at night), I ended up going to the hospital. I don't want that to happen again...

So, I went for a walk today (it ended up being around 4 miles). It was nice, up until I got a really bad cramp in my leg, and got a couple of blisters... I got home, and then fell up and down some stairs (I have no idea how I managed to do that...). All I really know is that it hurt, and it really wasn't much fun...

Anyways, I'm really hoping that everything works out, and that I can find a way to cope and deal with everything that I'm feeling...