Journal

So, I'm sitting here, just thinking (trying to stop actually) and trying to watch some t.v., although it isn't working well... There are so many things that I can't stop thinking about, mostly things brought up during my counseling session today.

I'm thinking a lot about my meds... I've been struggling to remember to take them; it should be easy, but it's not. I set an alarm to remind me to take my afternoon med, but if I don't have my meds right there, or I'm doing something at the time, I ignore the alarm, and end up forgetting. My sleep has been suffering; I've been getting up at 4.30a, and last night I was waking up about every half hour or so. My uncle offered to take over my meds again, and I'm thinking that that might help; I'm just not really sure if he needs that... He's been stressed out with work, and I don't want to add holding my meds on to that.

I'm thinking about my eating, and what my counselor had to say about that. She thinks that part of the eating is my meds, and another part of it might be a control issue thing. Her idea is that things might feel out of control for me, and what I put in my body is one thing that I can control. She knows I have self-esteem issues, and tend to worry about putting on weight, and she thinks that not eating might be my way of dealing with those thoughts. She did offer some suggestions (mostly trying to scribble when I'm having thoughts that are negative and directed towards myself), but didn't have much else to say. She also wants me to talk to my doctor about seeing a dietician to help with at least getting the nutrition taken care of.

I guess those are the two big things that are on my mind. I wish there was an easy solution to everything going on, but I know that there isn't. I wish I knew if giving my meds back to my uncle would be the right thing to do, and I wish eating could just be easier...

Well, I guess I should probably continue to try to stop thinking for the night, so that maybe I can get some sleep... But I don't know...  Maybe I need to think this through?

I know how much words can hurt, and today I really felt that with my uncle. After another discussion about my eating last night, he came home today, and asked me what I thought we should do for dinner. I didn't respond right away, and then he said, 'Tell me what you have eaten today, and be truthful'. As soon as he said to be truthful, it felt so awful... It hurt so much to think that he wouldn't trust me to just be honest... I guess he had a reason to add that, as I have lied to him about my eating before, but this was several months earlier. I thought that was something that by now, he would have let go of... I thought that there was more trust in our relationship that he wouldn't have to ask me to be truthful.

I think I'm just overreacting right now, but it's frustrating none the less. I want to know that my uncle trusts me, and I don't know how to express this to him, especially since this is already done and over with...

I'm also struggling with taking my meds again... I know I need to take them, but I forget, and by the time I remember, it's the next day, almost time for another dose. I have alarms set for my afternoon med, but if I'm busy and can't take my med at that moment, then I tend to igore the alarm, and the thought of taking my meds is pushed back...

I don't know... I'm confused... Maybe I'm just tired... Yeah... Tired... Let's go with that....

Today was my first Survivors of Suicide group meeting. It was good, although it was also really tough. It was hard to relate to the other people there; there were mostly parents who had lost children, or a brother who lost his brother... One of the leaders even said that I was the first person he had seen in 20 years to have lost a mom...Another thing that was really tough was the fact that I spend all day trying not to think about my mom and what happened, and then I'm forced into a situation that requires me to talk and think about what happened.

But, overall, it was good... More info to come in later...