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MyTy 
Yesterday was your 45th birthday. I wanted to wait until today to write anything, thought it might be a little easier the day after.That wishful thinking didn't quite pan out. I can't imagine ever feeling even a little bit ok again. Now to add to the long list of what isn't right, I'm trying to process the 2 events that I can only call phenomenons. You know I'm a huge skeptic of supernatural stuff-the critical thinker in me searches for a scientific answer to everything. You also know that I am the biggest chicken on the planet. That's why I find it strange that I just didn't go running out of the apartment scared. I actually wasn't frightened and was just curious and amused. You have no idea how much I would love to believe that you at times are near me in some form, any form. I hope I'm not cracking up, would I know if I was?
For your birthday I wanted to go over to the ocean but I just can't make myself, so I must not be at a point to be able to handle it. I'll get there. You would not want me to never be able to feel the peace that comes when watching waves and hearing the mighty roar. There are many things I'm not doing because I want to do them with you and only you. Anyway, I went to a movie that you and I had seen previews for and said we wanted to see. Very strange to sit there alone, very sad. All I saw were white haired couples sitting together talking and eating popcorn-I was glad that they all had each other. The movie started with a funeral...great. Then I went to the library and got 3 books on surviving loss, read one already and it just made me mad-no one is going to tell me that eventually I will have to say goodbye to you. After the library I went and bought a candle to burn for your birthday. Could not bring myself to get a piece of cake to eat in your honor. You know I always made you eat some type of cake on your birthday because I said if you didn't you would not get another birthday...I know you had a piece of cake last year. Got your favorite chinese food and went home. Lit the candle at the time 7 Fridays ago you were on the floor lifeless and sang Happy Birthday and cried. I looked again at your handsome smiling face in the photo albums. I miss you more than any written or spoken words can say. I survived your birthday and am glad it is now Saturday. I love you.
Comments
I totally understand about you being glad that his birthday is over. All of the firsts are very hard to get through. After Jim died, I went to a hospice support group and one of the things we learned was to try and do things (or go places) that we did as a couple as soon as you feel you can face it. I had to do that on one occasion when I wasn't ready. I had to go to the hospital where Jim had all his chemo and BMT for a seminar for work not long after he passed. It took all the courage I could muster to go in the building, but I did it. As hard as it was, I was glad that I did it as I have been there several times since with my daughter as hers and the baby's' doctor are in the medical building attached and she had the baby in that hospital. There are still a few places I can't go to yet, but maybe some day I will. You will go to the beach when you feel you are ready. It may be hard, but it will be another step forward. There will come a time when you feel ok again. Each day I am getting better at learning how to survive and deal with the loss of my husband. I still miss him so much and I still cry, but I am slowly learning how to incorporate my past into the life I have now. I have realized that they are never really gone from us as the helped shape us into who we are today. I never realized how much like Jim I have become in someways until he died. He taught me so many things and how to take care of myself. I don't believe that it is something one gets over - one just learns how to deal and live with the loss. You're not cracking up. Many of us here believe that we have felt our husbands presence at times. I am a firm believer that God allows our husbands to become our Guardian Angels and watch over us.
JazyJo
It sounds like you did just wonderfully, whether you realize it or not. Lenny's next birthday was the big 6 0 , and I was already planning a huge surprise party. I had given him 3 others during our 37 years. He was always surprised. Maybe I should still do it, and the surprise would be that Lenny isn't there.
lostinFL
I think you did wonderful. It's very hard I had to go through it myself only a couple of weeks ago.
But as you see you made it through and so did I. It's so difficult but I guess someday will just learn how to manage.
Hugs Karen
KarenFawn11