MyTy's Journal

I have waited weeks, counting down the days until finally today I went to my sudden loss hospice grief counselor appointment. I sat in the jeep and cried because I couldn't believe that I was at a hospice place and need a grief counselor. I finally got the strength to go inside where I waited for about 10 minutes just trying to hold back the tears. The counselor came out to the waiting room only to tell me that the person who made my appointment didn't put it on his master schedule and he couldn't see me. I just started crying. I was so hoping someone could tell me how to survive Ty's birthday tomorrow. I just feel like I can't do this anymore. I was alone when he died, for 2 days after he died, I was alone to open the package of his remains when they came, I am alone in this city, in this apartment and all I wanted to do is not feel so alone today-I needed to talk to a person face to face. I guess I'm just supposed to keep suffering alone. It really feels like God must hate me. I walked out of that hospice place just bawling, sat in the jeep and screamed. I just need Ty back now! This feels like it did the first week. I've been sobbing so hard  my head is pounding, my heart is pounding, my eyes are swollen and I just can't stop. I wrapped my arms around the cold tin his remains are in and just hugged it-I can't believe that's all I have. This is all so cruel.