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MyTy 
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Why can I not have any peace at all? Why are the days and nights getting harder? Why can't there be just 1 thing go my way to give me a little hope? Isn't enough that Ty was taken from me? Why is everything in a downward spiral? I can't make it stop and I feel like I cannot take anymore. The love of my life is gone forever, I now have no job, no money, no home, I'm alone and scared to death. I don't know what to do.
This wek my job contract was canceled which was good because I hate this hospital with all my being. The hospital gave me 2 weeks notice. I called an old nurse manager in FL who said she would do whatever I needed, she would hire me for 1-2 months until I returned back to Michigan. I was so thrilled that Monday thinking maybe God hasn't forsaken me-I had a shred of hope and at least I wouldn't have to worry about a job for a little while. On Wednesday I was told that no she couldn't hire me because it isn't in the budget. Dashed against a wall again. Tonight at the horrible hospital when they told me after working 4 hours there I had to drive to a whole different hospital at 11pm at night in a different city to work there-I lost it. This palce has abused me for weeks and I just snapped. I said I refuse to go and that I am done with them. I have no idea what financial ramifications will come to me from this from the company I work for. So, now I am completely jobless-my last check will have 16 hours pay on it. Sad thing is that I am at the point of almost not giving a damn at all and feeling this way scares me. EVERYDAY in the mail there is something that reminds me Ty is dead, as if I already don't think of him every waking moment. All the bills from that horrible day just keep coming. Today a dentist bill came telling me that if they don't hear from TY within 30 days it will go to collections-if only he could call. There is no relief from this. I am going to stay with my mom on Thursday-I just need to hold out until then. I just want so badly to feel arms around me and hear that it will be ok even though I know it will never be ok again. My nightgown is soaked from tears. This is all so cruel. I don't feel like I belong anywhere. I need him back. He has to come back. Why did God do this to us? Please come home Ty,please please please.
Comments
Ok. Cried most of the day, no big surprise there. Oatmeal and a can of cream corn for dinner. Wheel of Fortune is on and I swore I'd never watch that show-I hate it. So, might as well put down on paper what happened the other day that may be evidence I have truly just lost it completely.
Thursday after being so upset that I couldn't see the grief counselor because someone there screwed up I came home and just had a complete meltdown. It was like the first night after Ty died, the sobbing was uncontrollable complete with heart pounding, throwing up and hyperventilating.
In the 2nd bedroom on the dresser sits the tin with Ty's remains, a folded flag that came with the tin (supposedly from the service since he had been in the army years ago) is on top with an angel pin attached to it. The tin is so cheap and ugly that I have a 4x6 picture of the rainbow and orange tree I took on Christmas day propped up on it right in the front. This has been like this since I moved into this apartment early January.
During my meltdown I went there dropped on my knees and wrapped my arms around the tin with my head on the flag and just sobbed. while still out of control feeling like I was going to die, I got up, put the picture back in front of it and sat on the bed which is 2 feet from the dresser. I looked up and the picture had done a 90 degree turn and was just free standing sideways. There is no frame. I couldn't believe my eyes-it made me stop crying. I sat there logically trying to figure out how it was doing it. I got up, and put it back propped in front again. While standing there it turned again. I thought come on must be the air conditioner wind doing this. I shut off the air conditioner. The picture stood there until I picked it up again. It is impossible for a thin picture to stand on it's own like that. This picture did this 3 times. Around the tin it felt like some type of pulling force. Very very strange. A little later I ran out to mail a letter. Went back to the tin, the picture was as I left it but when I put my hands on the dresser the picture started gently moving front to back like quivering but did not turn-then it stopped. It has not done it since-believe me I check a lot!!!! Theres no pulling feeling anymore around the tin. I cannot make the picture stand up it just falls like one would expect. I just don't know. I would give anything if it was Ty in some form doing that to let me know he is near and make me stop crying-I really felt like I was going to explode and die.
The next day was his birthday. I went to the library to get a grief book. There were just 2 short shelves with this type of book. I looked at every book on the shelves just reading the titles on the binder-didn't touch any at that point. All of the books were upright-there is no doubt in my mind because I looked at everyone. I looked again at the top shelf then looked down at the second and a teal color book titled Dying was sticking out on it's side. I know I'm stressed to the max but I also know I'm not nuts!! I'm not one to believe in supernatural stuff very much so I'm baffled. I guess I'm just chalking it up to something I can't explain.
Comments
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I have had some signs to. At first I was scared and since I decided I was no longer scared of them they stopped. So welcome them, cherish them, and hold onto them. I want every sign I can get from now on from my husband. Dosen't matter if there's a resonable explaintion or not. I just need to know he's around. I want him around.
Hugs Karen
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I feel it in the very soul of me, that was definitely Ty, he was there for you in your darkest hour and call me sentimental but no-one could make me believe otherwise, he certainly loves you and is trying his best to help you through, you are one lucky lady, he's to more signs, Hugs Gill xxxxxx
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Sherry, I believe that was defiently Ty letting you know he is close by. Like Karen said cherish all the signs you recieve. I believe God can send us the comfort we need to get through this. Take care of yourself, love ya, Pam
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Wow...this was not strange Sherry, it was amazing. How fortunate you were to have had this happen to you. It was definitely your Ty reaching out trying to comfort you. When the pain gets that intense that it feels like you are totally consumed by it and nothing or no one else can take it away then I firmly believe that our loved ones on the other side are watching us and reaching out in the only way they can to show us that they are near and care and love us and want to take that pain from us. It may seem like a supernatural event but I would prefer to believe that it is love, pure and simple. I've had a couple of experiences that were unexplainable too and I've learned not to question them when they occur but to just embrace and accept them with the same warm and loving spirit in which they are given, gifts from our lost loved ones. Hugs, Judi
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You guys, I just read all of your responses and you are all so special to me for helping me know that it is ok to believe, no I mean KNOW it was Ty helping me when I needed him the most. For once tears are streaming because I feel some comfort that I'm not losing my mind. I will just brace it and accept it and hope for more. Thank you-Thank you!!!
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Sherry, ((((((((HUG)))))))Namaste, Jess
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I've had some wild stuff happen/occcur since Trish died as well!! It is rather trippy at times......I like knowing she checks inat least! Blessings & light to you, Jess
Past Entries
Oh, Sherry, I'm so sorry!!!!! I wish there was something I could say or do. I know it must seem like God isn't there and I know I've felt that way myself, but He IS there and I promise you that He'll get you through this. I'm saying a special prayer for you now, dear friend....that you'll feel God's arms around you holding you tightly! God bless you, sweetie!!!
veeachjay
I got layed off from many years at MCI Worldcom when they went through their there scandel. I found a local job with a mortgage company and you know how that is going and they went out of business. I hated that job with a passion and was with them for two years. I found a new job this past April. Now I love my job! So hold on because there is something better out there. I know impossible to even think when things are rough. So I'm going to tell you it's going to be OK! Lots of hugs Karen
KarenFawn11
Sherry, I am so sorry that all of this is happening to you. It is very hard right now with the economy the way it is. I am sure something will come along. I wish I could give you some kind of magic fix - especially when it comes to missing Ty, but there isn't one. Unfortunately this grief is something that we have to work through and believe me, it's work. Hang in there and know that I and others are praying for you.
JazyJo
Sherry, right now you need to pack a bag and go to your mums, don't even stop to think, you need the physical presence of someone, it's too much for you to be alone and i echo your words in my heart everyday, but please don't give up, it has to get better, hell i'm crying so much for your pain now, wish I lived closer so i could come over and we could cry together. I know things are going to get better for you, lets face it, in the situation we're in they can't get worse. So,in trying to find something positive , you have your health, excellent references and soon a good job, to help sort out those stupid everyday worries that crowd into your life. You are well rid of that horrid, horrid hospital and in the next few days something will happen for the better, look for those signs from Ty, remember the photo on his ashes, he's with you, never going to be anywhere else. After all that and for purely selfish reasons I need you, I can't write that book on my own and without it there's no Oprah !!! Love Gill xxxxx
gill112
SHerry, Im not totally alone right now, if i was maybe id be feeling more crazy! I don't know, but I'm craving solitude moreso...I'm in your similar boat re: bills, home, & $$$$ lack of...its scarey & stressful I agree! I keep hopimng & praying I can see my way clear to deal and be ok for the kids she left behind....& pets....I long to turn to Trish to help "FIX" these ongoing & seemingly endless struggles....and yet its her death that has created all the boomerang effects!! I'll pray for you, Bless your heart sweetie......Jess
oceanamoonjl
Thank you all for your words of encouragement and support. Today I am just exhausted, feeling empty and lost but I am not in that horrible dark place I was throughout the night. Wow, I have never been there before and never want to be there again. I can understand why some people take their lives because of the over powering grief. I used to always think who would ever kill themselves over a person, don't they know better days will come? In those worst moments nothing else matters but trying to make it stop.I wasn't quite there but I do now have empathy for anyone who ever feels that way. Grief takes the mind to places I never knew existed. Maybe someday I can help pull someone back from the edge. Something of value has to come from this hell. My son, mom and my special friends here keep me going. I love you guys. Sherry
MyTy
Sherry, you said it all when you said grief takes the mind to places you never knew existed. I try to explain how grief is to people close to me and all I can think of is you feel out of control and you don't know how to stop it. The first few months after my husband died I was in shock, and sometimes I wish I could have stayed there but reality sets in and then you grieve and you go in circles trying to sort it all out. I had my faith in God and I will say if I didn't have that I would not have made it this far. Please keep praying and God will put everything where it is suppose to be he promises that and I know he does just from my own experiences these past two years. I don't have a strong faith mostly because I try to do it myself my way and that just doesn't work. I know the death of my husband was the most painful event I have ever experienced. I am a breast cancer survivor and my sister died of it and my mother. My dad was killed in an auto accident six months after my husband and then my mother died ten months after that this past (July) all in this past two years. I had to take care of everything with my husband, dad and mother by myself no help from family. I had a nervous break down in September 2009 two months after my mother died and I feel I needed that break down to help me see that I can't handle everything on my own. I reach out now to friends and family and to whoever will listen and pray for strength to stay close to those that I love. All we can do is keep going Sherry and do the best we can because God does have a plan for us and some day we will understand. Please stay in touch I am here for you. God Bless you,
Linda
SandDolly