Journal

Well, I started them today. Taking Esipram, which is apparently stronger than Zoloft (which I've taken in the past). Also had a blood test to rule out a thyroid problem, causing the depression. Personally, I think the only thing the blood test will reveal is how much I hate needles.

Probably started taking it at the right time, since my "friends" cancelled their ski trip here next month. I took time off work, I booked them a place to stay... and I got royally screwed in return. Not to mention another certain friend who still refuses to talk to me for reasons unknown (and already discussed in a previous blog).

Who needs friends anyway?

Can't take it anymore. Can't take feeling like this. Feeling like my life is over at 23. Feeling like I don't deserve the good things in life. Oh sure I could take anti-stinking-depressant, but what will that solve? Will that tiny pill repair my relationship? Will it pack my things and move me back home? Will it fix my sex life? Will it quit my job for me? Will it entice my friends to talk to me again? Zoloft doesn't do shit other than mask the pain, the pain is still there I'm just too numb to feel it. I'm so angry, all the time. I can feel it pulsing through my veins and all I want to do is punch a wall or cut my arm. I can't even cry. Why can't I cry? My eyes aren't even moist as I type this. I feel so numb to any emotion that isn't anger.

I don't even have a good line to go out on.

Ok so I haven't been on here for ages. I guess it's good to know it's here when I need it. I'm having a shit afternoon. The day started out ok, I made a few errors at my first job for the day, and dropped things and slipped and was getting quite frustrated... and this is all before 6am. But all that considered I did alright for the rest of the day. It was a pretty decent day actually.

But I think I've stumbled on a discovery about one of my friends. I tried smsing her a week or so ago, got a sms back a couple days later asking who I was, yada yada, "I'm sorry you have the wrong number". OK so she's changed her number and forgot to tell me, I can deal. But now her closest friend tells me that she hasn't changed her number, as far as she knows. Seeing as she's the little sis my friend never had I'm going to assume she would have known if her number had been changed. I've sent numerous messages to her Facebook inbox (she's not on my friends list, I deleted everyone and am having a break from the site) without response. And now I fear I'm going to have to resort to the petty shit and call her phone from a phone box, and find out if I was lied to. I'm a bloody adult, this is high school shit. If she has a problem with me she should tell me, instead of simply ceasing all contact with me without my knowledge. It stings even more that I was even her bridesmaid last February. Like, what changes in 2 months??

Anyway I could be overreacting, this could all be a misunderstanding. But I guess it's just made me think about all the friends I've lost since I met my bf/fiance. Life stinks. I can't even claim depression because I'm not weepy, I'm not bawling my eyes out every night. You know what I am doing? Thinking about death a whole lot. Every day, I think life is too hard and I just want to end it (right this minute being no exception). It's so different to the sort of "depression" I've had before. For 5 years I was weepy and crying every night. This time I'm not sure it even classifies as depression. I'm just sick of it all. I'm not even sad about that fact. I just want it over with.