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emaries 
12:39am, October 30, 2009
I want to be happy.....
I want to go about my day and not wonder what he is doing....
I want to not care if he thinks about me....not care if he misses me, not want him to come home....
I want to be happy with me, happy with the life I have ~ not still longing for the life I thought I would be living...the life I believed in....My life with the man I gave my heart to....
I hate that I am so sad....I hate that I truly don't know if I can feel content without him in my life....i wrapped myself up in him....now I feel empty and alone....there is a void, a hole, a huge part missing from my soul, my home, my heart, my life....
I wonder about his memories...how do they not haunt him....how can he not look back and have moments of the happiness we shared....how did he move on without the slightest doubt....how can she possibly fill his soul the way the girls and I did....
Ugh......
I know I should be beyond this - I know I shouldn't need him to feel complete....I know I should be healing and be on the path to happiness....yet - I just miss him....I just want to have the life we planned to share....I just want to know that it was not all for nothing....I want to have some kind of understanding of how - why this has happened....i hate that I will never know ~ I HATE THAT I LOVE HIM SO MUCH......
a year has passed....a year I have been alone - a year he has reached to her and thought of her and touched her, and kissed her, and dreamed of her, and phoned her and shared his thoughts and dreams and life and heart and soul with her.....and i have remained frozen.....
Ugh.....I just want to be happy.......
Comments
I myself am approching the year mark and there are times that I find myself wondering the same things as you do. But, it is our time now...let them live their lives they way they want. It is up to us to get our lives in order and to finally do the things that we always wanted to do. Make a list of everything that you have always wanted to do for you...all the things that you couldn't or wouldn't. YOu will be happy!!! Hang in there ((hugs))
Strings22
I'm so sorry for your pain and grief. I realize you don't know me....but your story is identical to mine...and I feel tormented the same way. Know that you will get through this and in time be able to smile again.
mikecing
I'm going to sound cliche, but this shall pass. It only takes time. You probably want to slap me through the PC for saying that, but time really does heal. Go! get out there, and have some fun!
BetrayedAngel
Create new dreams. I am focusing on doing just that right now. It is hard as there is so much history, but you have to move on for your own sake and for the sake of your daughters. The pain is deep, the pain hurts bad, but you can control how it truly makes you feel. Love and luck to you.
lmacdaddy