Journal

 I am having a hard time.  About 5 months ago my sister got pregnant again with her 3rd child. Although this one was different.  She made it clear that she did not want it.  Unlike me she has no problems bearing children.  Anyway she told me that in the event that she did not want it would I be willing to take him and raise him.  I of course jumped at the chance.  Well she found a week ago that it is a boy and immediately stated that she wanted an abortion.  It took my stepmom and I 2 days to finally convince her not to do it.  Then she stated that she for sure was going to let me take the baby.  But spent the last few days picking apart my life with reasons why she should not let me raise that little boy.  Then today she texts me saying she is keeping him.  I want to be happy for her but I don't understand how she can be so undecided about a life and how she can play with then disregard my feelings in this.  She knows I have spent my whole life dreaming about having a child.  I am just really upset right now about the whole thing.  I am not sure how to react and how to deal with it........