Journal

I was feeling ok today after blocking my ex last night on facebook, no more comments on my friends status,s so i can see him & his gf playing happy families.

I felt in control for a change then tonight i went to pick my daughter up from school & on the way back i seen him with a friend working on a drive that he was working on a while ago when he kept walking out on the road when he spotted me.

Well today i didnt look at him, wasnt even sure it was him but looking in my rear view mirror i could see him watching me drive down the road until he was a dot in my mirror, my daughter noticed him but it took her a while to tell me as she did not want to upset me.

I was more angry this time than upset because i felt positive about blocking him on facebook only to see him the next day. Normally i would go home & cry after seeing him. My house will be going up for sale thurs or fri then i hope to have a quick sale so i can move to the countryside where i work & my daughter goes to school, i will never pass him again because he has no reason to drive where i will live & i will never have to drive near my old home again so chances of me bumping into him will be next to nothing, then i can start to build our lives back to normal. 

I have been on this computer all day trying to find answers to why i am suffering & my ex is not.

The reason is because he is a cocaine addict & his irrational thinking has got him where he is !oday, in an enabling relationship!

I know i enabled him by covering up his addiction & made sure he was fed & watered, i hoped he would get sick of being sick, well i thought he was sick of it because he left saying he didnt want to take me down with him only to find he went back to an ex girlfriend who had just come into money. She now pays his mortgage, his bills, he drives her car & can spend his wages on his drugs.

He seems to find great pleasure in making me feel like shit.

Well i have had a reply today from a recovering cocaine addict that has ex[lained his behaviour & makes sense so today i feel very slightly better than last night when i felt like i was at the beginning. I just want to get to the stage when i dont care what he says or does! 

Feel like i have been kicked in the teeth tonight, its 1 am, i cant sleep, just came across a conversation my ex was having with a friend of mine on facebook.

The conversation was just him trying to make sure i seen him talking to her, it wasnt the conversation that upset me but his profile picture, it was of him & his girlfriend out with their friends drinking, i was devastated, in the last year he was with me he wouldnt socialise coz he was taking cocaine every day. We had no life yet there he was with her having fun.

I know he still uses cocaine, he coukdnt drink & not take it, i know he uses heavily yet he looked healthy & happy.

Not so long ago i seen him looking a mess with scabs all over his face. He even had the armani watch on i bought him, how dont i cross his mind?

Why am i suffering & he isnt? Im not the one that had a heavy cocaine addiction. he used to love me too deeply at one time, if we had a fall out he would cry, wouldnt eat, txt me all night & would never hurt me, now he keeps putting pictures on his profile of him with her, i blocked him for a long time then decided i am showing i am bothered by blocking him so i un blocked him then he put an old picture on of himself, i changed my profile to a picture of someone that just showed the underwear, i got it from the internet, i must admit i done it because i know he checks my profile, he will think it is me because it only showed the knickers & she had a belly button var in exactly like mine, i was exactly the same shape & they are the type of knickers i would wear so he will think it was me, he used to be so jealous of me & posessive so i wanted to show him what he was missing nut it has vackfired, straight after he has changed his picture. I just want to stop him even entering my thoughts, i want to stop hurting, i am still trying to move on yet he has no emotion whatsoever. ~My house goes up for sale in the next few days & i will be moving out in the country once sold so i will never see him, at the moment he lives less than a mile away so i see alot of him. He just seems to be everywhere. I have blocked him now & intend leaving it like that, i just want my life bacl.