mukinata's Journal

I wanted to write something in here, just to get the ball rolling, but unfortunately I feel really really sick so i don't know how long  or informative it wil be. I think I'm so sick today because 1. I didn't get much sleep last night and 2. I woke up wrong. When I say this, first off, idk if this happens to anybody else, but sometimes when I wake up, more often than not, if I roll over and try to go back to sleep, nausea immediately kicks in and I have to rush to the bathroom. This also happens when I wake up and just lay in bed for awhile, even if I don't move. Sometimes I can immediately fall back to sleep, and I wake up, and I'm not nauseous at all anymore, which is great, but its a big risk to take. Basicall I have to roll out of bed immediately when I wake up or I willbe nauseous/womiting on and off all day. It usually clears up before dinner time, which is great because by thnI'm starving and dehydrated. Thats whats going on today.

I tried to roll over, thinkng I'd fall back to sleep because i was so exhausted, and it didn't work. It's almost dinenr time and I'm still feeling like crap, and the part that frustrates me the most about this all the time is that I can't even go lay down. When normal people are sick, they go lay down and/or take a nap, and I can't even do that. Basically i have to try an do things with as little movement as possible that will distract me from thinking about how bad I feel, like reading or doing logic puzzles.  

Today I'm even more depressed because I bought a new scale yesterday, an expensive one that measures body fat and tracks your weight and all that. i got on it thinking oh, i didnt eat any junk for christmas, i had to have lost some weight, but either its because its a different scale, or im retaining water again or something, I don't know, bu I topped off at my largest weight ever, 200 lbs exactly. I wanted to cry, but I didn't let myself. its hard for me to exercise, and it sucks because I really love it. I love moving around, getting my blood pumping and all that, but I can't without difficulty, and im just so...... theres not even a word for the amount of frustration and depression. Before I had the surgery and all my other health problems, I was an active, attractive, healthy young woman, and now I am a tired, uncontrollably lazy individual. 

if it weren't for my boyfriend, I don't know what I would do. He is a constant source of encouragement, and has been for many years. He is always supportive when I feel really depressed and sick. he always gets me what I need when I'm really nauseous and can't do anything (TIP!: for thoseof you with severe nausea, I find slightly flat sprite zero and generic saltines work wonders in small doses, especially followed by pepto or tums) 

Ugh, I sound so whiney, I can't stand it. Are tere others of you that feel like this? have these nausea issues? I hate feeling so helpless and like I'm a burden. I can't even follow my own remedy right now because my boyfriend is at work, and I know if I lave the apartment I am going to throw up. So what, right? I cant stand the humiliation. Is it wrong to make yourself throw up if you know its going to happen no matter what you do? Sometimes in the morning i know if I dont throw up befoe I go out, it will happen WHILE I'm out (usually on my way to class,or worse, in class) soi wait in the bathroom for awhile and purposelydo it. My room mate used to think I was faking it an that I was bulimic, but i dont have to stick my finger down my throat or anything. this sounds os horrible saying it outloud. I just sit there and think about the nausea and it just comes out. After that I feel mostly fine for the rest of the day, except for the ever present bowel issues. ell I'm going to go see if I can call someone to bring me over some sprite, and I'm going to try more pepto, although iwonder if taking so much will eventually do more harm than help. 

Sorry for all the whining, I must sound pitiful -.-