salamar's Journal

I decided to take a break with my bf.

Just too much. I need someone that is on my side, not another weight on my shoulders. He's there, then seems to no more be there. I mean, he is physically there, but his mind is always somewhere else. We had a few deep discussions, after which he was fine for a bit, then got back in his spacey moods.

I tested him. After more than a month during which I initiated sex most of the time, I stopped. After two weeks, he ain't did a move! I made blond strands in my hair, he ain't noticed! He used to notice everything I changed in my apparence, from weight loss or gain to a new shirt or haircut... Nothing escaped his attention. The morrow, I told him I had the impression he ain't minded me, I told him, as proof, when was the last time you initiated sex? he couldn't say. I asked do youo notice anything that I changed in the way I look since two days ago? He searched, but couldn't find. What am I planning to do tomorrow? (told him a few times the week before that it was a friend's birthday party), he couldn't remember. I finally told him that these were just a few of the things that told me he ain't cared much about me anymore. He could no more brush my feelings beside saying that I'm just imagining things, so he said I was right, that he thought too much about his financial problems. I learned he was a month back for his rent, that his credit card was loaded, and that with the bad weather we had this summer he didn't do as well as usual. At least I learned what was bothering him.

he then became more present, more like his usual self, then, two weeks ago, he again started to get spacey, like as if his mind was far, far away.

He reacted weird, like as if he just found out, it's my last university session!

we saw each other on wednesday morning, I called him on thursday, so he should have called me on fryday or saturday(his usual self would). Saturday evening, I sent him a message, telling him I wouldn't be there Sunday evening, as planned, but monday PM. He usually would have called me or replied that it was all right, that he'd wait for me, or anything, but he didn't. So on Monday I left home at 3h30 PM, went in a park near his place, that I reached around 5 pm. I read, walked around, layed in the sunshine, smiled to the beautiful sky. at 9h30pm, he ain't sent a single message to ask where I was... He usually would have around supper time.

I got to his place, he acted happy to see me, but no more. He saw my anger, asked me what was wrong. I told him...

We discussed it a bit, he said he was sorry, went to play (street musician play=work), and didn't saw time pass. He also thought my mother gave me last minutes chores, so that was why I was late. He wasn't worried by the fact I ain't  contacted him, and ain't even saw I gave an approximate arrival time...

OK. I need stability to heal, I told myself. I did as if his excuses were accepted, smiled an laught. wednesday morning, before leaving, I told him twice to write to me before 4pm if he'd be at  Nico's or at his place. (nico is one member of his band, living near places they are busking at). In the evening, they were to play somewhere and lead a jam session (a jam is when musicians gather together to play and improvise) Wedneday morning, I left my flute at his place, asking him to bring it to nico's if he went there. 

He ain't sent a message. So, after class, I went out with a classmate and friend that I didn't see for two sessions. we went to the market, and I saw my bf and the band (it was past 4h45 PM). They were getting ready to leave, and my bf told me they were getting sausages for a barbecue at Nico's. If I wanted to go with them. he also told me my flute was still at his place... I stayed with my friend. we kept walking around the market.

when we parted, I went toward my bf's place to get my flute. Suddenly, I felt hungry. With my depression, hunger is not coming so often, and I'm losing weight at an alrming pace, so when I'm hungry, I have to eat, especially that I'm not for long. So at my place and at JF's, I keep food that is fast prepared and highly caloric. I bought 8 small pizzas the week before. I ate 2, so there was still six in my mind. there was none.

I call him, asked him if he moved them, he sayed he was sorry, he ate them. "I need to eat", I told him, "well, there are some pastas, and sauce" I recalled him that I had to eat when hungry, "well, then you could come over here" I won't be hungry, when I'll get there! it's a twenty five minutes bike ride, and I usually have no more than 10 minutes to eat when I get hungry before all food makes me want to throw up... he said he thought I'd go to eat before going to get my flute, that he intended to replace the food he took but missed time...I almost hung up on him.

he called me later to ask me when I'd be coming, saying he'd come get me. I said I was relaxing, and would come later. I was tired, sent him a message to tell him I needed more to rest than go out, he answered he'd miss me but to rest well. (his usual self).

I then thought about leaving him or letting it be. after my meeting with my psy, I wrote a message to my bf.

Here is an approximate translation of it:

*****************8

I don't know how to begin this letter.

Maybe by telling you that I love you very much, but that this is not enough.

I'm almost thinking that the white powder came back in your life...

You no more do what you say you will, you are getting farther, I no more exist for you, unless we are together. Even when you hold me in your arms, I feel you are far away.

wedneday, before leaving, I told you twice to send me a message to tell me wether you'd be at Nico's place or your own. No message, but past 4:30, I meet you at the Market.

You say you want me by your side, but your acts speak other words.

I don't understand. I no more understand you.

If you're getting tired of me, wouldn't it be more honest to let me know?

I'm sick, and I know I'm asking lot of your energy for my healing. I need stability, and, at this time, I've got more at my place than at yours! That speaks tons! I can't allow myself to impede my healing. I want to get better! There's nothing I can do to help you, and I've got more and more the impression, when going at your place, that I am a dead weight that you don't need. Your distanciation desesperates me! I don't know what to do anymore! I can't even count on your word... As so many others, you say words you know I want to hear, words that would please me, but that you do not feel. You say you will do something, then you forget speaking the words...

I know you've got a lot on your mind right now, but I must think about myself first. To get better. To heal. you helped me a lot, but you are now bringing me down.

No need to say you're sorry. No need to tell me you'll work on it. A leopard cannot change its spots... your way to be is passive. I remember how frustrated I got when, after I complainned you ain't called me often, you told me you didn't usually called others, that others called you. You tried hard, I must admit, but you are falling back in you old habit of not communicating. A relationship is made by two persons. It shouldn't be only up to me to hold the relationship, to keep it going when we are not together... I shouldn't have to tell you, to ask you, and to make you remember that I like to know where we'd meet, when you are not at your place, and that we planned on meeting. I shouldn't have to tell myself not to believe the words you say because you are unlikely to follow them through.

I need a break to think about our future together. I can't continue to see my expectations unmet, and I won't lower them either.

I will contact you later, when I'll have made a decision, or when I'll be strong enough to be no more affected by your failures to comply with my expectations. I must think about healing first...

see you later...

*******************

Writing the letter led me to take a decision.

I sent it as soon as I ended it, now I'm wondering.

I should have waited and spoke to him directly.

I didn't think, I just reacted... 

I feel like a bitch.

If I could access his mailbox, I'd erase the message before he has a chance to read it, I'd then print it and bring it with me next Sunday so we could discuss.

knowing him, he'll leave me alone, no phone calls, no messages, until I tell him "Yes we go on" or "we should decide of a time and place so I could bring you your things and you mine". 

This is so fresh, I'm feeling bad not to have told him I needed a break face to face.

A letter, this is so lame!

but now, what is done is done, I can't change it, so I have to do with it.

I'll take the time I need to decide if I'm better alone...