salamar's Journal

I'm with my current bf since a bit more than two years and a half. At the very beginning, he was just someone to have fun with. Didn't intended it to last. Now, when I'm looking forward, I can't imagine my life without him.

Thursday, I went at his place. He went to work (busking), leaving, as usual, his computer open. He left in a rush, after checking his E-mails.

He left a message open. That message was from a meeting website. It showed three possible matches for him.

Of course, I was curious. I wouldn't have checked in his mails, but the window was open on that message. I cliked on the link, telling myself that this must be a spam, though the nikname corresponded to his usual sonorities.

It asked to log in to acces the account. I cliked on the "lost password" link. it sent a password on his e-mail, which I used. I saw that he was a member since March. That he was looking for a woman for a discreete relationship.

Things fell appart around me. I felt dirty, betrayed. Stupid. Blind. Then, desesperate. I went on, opened a new window to play the game I first wanted to.

He came back in in a rush, angry, calling the cops over a man who harrassed him to the point he threw his sax in the man's face.

It was not the time to speak to him. He changed sax, then went out again. I packed the things I had there, Unhooked his keys from my keychain. And kept playing my game. Something broken in me.

A few hours after, I call him. He do not usually busks for more than an hour or two when I'm there.

He said, he'll come up.

He came, complaining about how few money he did busking. Then he saw my face, and my eyes, cold as stones. asks what's up.

"So, you're looking for a woman for a discreete relationship?"

The face he did! He wasn't understanding anything.

I explained him what I found out and how. I said it was over, still cold as ice.

I got up, gathered my bags. He was crying, begging me not to leave him for something as insignifiant as a post on a website, saying nothing happened, that he didn't even think about it, that he was just curious to see how it was on those sites, but that he was never serious about it. He said if I'd leave, he's as well dead.

I stayed cold, heartless. He kneeled, crying, explaining, begging, I stayed cold.

But tears began to flow. He said how much he loved me. What a bad day he had. That what kept him going was the idea that we would have a good supper together. I stood my grouds.

I kept still when he said how bad he felt, like shit, for doing this to me, for the long hours I spent alone, wondering, hurting.  

But when he finally sat back on his chair, stopped rambling, and presented the facts with reason, asking me for at least one meal together, I dropped. I've let it be.

We went to the corner store, came back, had a supper that none of us really enjoyed. On the morrow, I left for work. He walked me to the metro, kissing me before we parted. It was a torture not to kiss him back, not to throw my arms around his neck, but I stood firm.

He sended me a desesperate text. I thought for a bit, then had the idea that, I thought, would make it.

Only one thing he could say could put us back together. It would be to reckon that going on that website, that signing up, was a big deal, and not the little insignificant thing he seems to think it is.

I wrote him that "you have a chance. You have to find out what it is. One hint. You will find it in a book you have, in the introduction. Two people interract in it. A man and a woman. You should see that the excerpt applies to our discussion. If you see it, and recognise it, you will know what to do." In the excerpt, there is Jim and there is Jenny. Jim did something wrong and convinces Jenny that what he did was not wrong, that he did nothing wrong, and, eventually, that he didn't even do anything at all.

All that stands on a page and a half. But it says everything, at least to me.

This is manipulation to pretend that something that affects me so bad is not a great deal. I see manipulation, and lies, and actions that are not according to the person.

It is pretty much like him to sign up on a website just to know what it is, and then forget to sign off.

Anyway. He didn't guess. We exchanged a few messages, in which I hint more and more.

At last, he wrote me an ambiguous message saying that he had three words that forms a question to tell me, and that he would be at my work at the end of my shift. (There is two hours transport between his place and my work, and he hates common transportation). I wrote him back that he had to be reasonnable, that he needed money, and that losing time on transport when he should play didn't seem a good idea. And what could he have to say that couldn't be told over the phone?

He wrote me back that he would prefer to ask me in person. But to call him if I thought it was more appropriate.

I knew what he'd ask.

Marriage.

For him, it's the only way he could really prove me that he's faithful. That I am the only one he cares about, the only one he loves.

I know he loves me. I know he's faithful.  

This is not the question...

Who would ask a girl to marry him, when he knows that the girl is questionning the relationship? I love him. Truly love him. But there are things he still have to learn before I get really engaged with him. I know all forms of manipulations. Some are all right, some are not. Like, when one quieten an angry customer, this is good manipulation. But when manipulation means deceits... no...