salamar's Journal

I'm so upset at my boyfriend, tonight... even fear he fell back... or if it's pot or salvia that makes him like that...

First thing, we didn't have sex, nor made love, the two last weeks I went at his place... usually it's at least once or twice a day... we each initiate it about half of the time, but he was not responsive to my attempts, and just gave me light kiss at times...

 though he wanted me on his knees, and hold my hand on the streets, and showed me attention... One week, OK, he's having an hard one, but two, it's getting long...

He's acting a bit absent, also... like as if he had loads on his mind, and can't keep track of them all. Like, he's not usually telling me he'd do something without following through with it, but once I asked if he'd walk me to the metro, since he had business to do in that area, he said, yeah, sure, but when I asked, Are you coming, he ask where?... and he said supper would be ready when I'd be back, so I could eat and study while he'd go to work, but I got there, and he didn't even go to the grocery... I had to go, fix supper while he played... I called to say I was coming, so he usually get the other chair free before I arrive (always loads packed everywhere... a real mess, worst than my bedroom, that is to say...). I told him two weeks ago that I'd only have a short five minutes test on tuesday, a class on wednesday PM, nothing wednesday evening, no class friday morning and an exam during the afternoon, and he was surprised that I got in early on tuesday and wednesday, and woke me in panick on friday morning, saying I was late... Just told him (again) the day before I had no class that morning... 

Last week he asked me what were my projects for this week, since the session is over, I told him it depends of you, he said he might come at my place, I replied just call me when you'll have made your mind, Yes, I'll call you Sunday, when I'll be back from Ottawa. He didn't. I called him after a phone interview I had for an internship, I was upset because it didn't went as good as usual. he usually raises my spirit, but this time he just told me it sure went better than I thought, since I always stress on things that finally end well. He then asked me if I'd come tomorrow, as usual. I asked him you forgot? he replied, forgot what? Never mind...

he then said he couldn't speak for long, he had a practice with a jazz band, of which I never heard before, I said I'd let him go then, but he wanted to keep the line a bit more, just then remembering he was supposed to call me to decide what we'd do of that week off, saying he might come or I migth go at his place... I just wanted to hang off on him, to let him go to his fullfilled life, so full he's forgetting what he makes me expect him to do... he talked to me about an amazing place he went at on saturday evening, started on another topic, then cut off, saying we'd speak more soon, when we'd see each other... Yeah, when we'll see each other, I replied, to what he said, we'll meet soon.

Start to stop trusting him... he's starting to lose the trust he so hardly won... so full of shit, lately... And I'm so fucking upset with him... Why is he doing it? Why the hell is he acting like as if I was nothing to him, suddenly?

Is it because he have problems with the problems I'm dealing with? Should I have kept to myself that I wanted to die, that I went to see the doctor and that she's been putting me on antidepressors? Would it have been better to keep it all to myself? The first week, he was all rigth, but the second and the third, he seems to retract, to drift away. When he would have been supportive, lovely, present, he's now vacant, not even trying to support me, still acting lovingly, but as if only his actions were, not his mind... 

I balance between trying to save us or to save myself, between having a good heart to heart discussion, or just leaving him...

I always held for true that if someone bad points were more than his good, it's time to leave... now, I wonder how long do you give the other? how long before saying good bye?

For the sake of my beliefs, I must try and speak to him, for my own sake and sanity, since I'm dealing with severe depression... I don't know... Maybe it's just my depression that twists my mind and my thoughts, seeing things worst than they are... I just don't know where to stand...