Journal

I decided to take a break with my bf.

Just too much. I need someone that is on my side, not another weight on my shoulders. He's there, then seems to no more be there. I mean, he is physically there, but his mind is always somewhere else. We had a few deep discussions, after which he was fine for a bit, then got back in his spacey moods.

I tested him. After more than a month during which I initiated sex most of the time, I stopped. After two weeks, he ain't did a move! I made blond strands in my hair, he ain't noticed! He used to notice everything I changed in my apparence, from weight loss or gain to a new shirt or haircut... Nothing escaped his attention. The morrow, I told him I had the impression he ain't minded me, I told him, as proof, when was the last time you initiated sex? he couldn't say. I asked do youo notice anything that I changed in the way I look since two days ago? He searched, but couldn't find. What am I planning to do tomorrow? (told him a few times the week before that it was a friend's birthday party), he couldn't remember. I finally told him that these were just a few of the things that told me he ain't cared much about me anymore. He could no more brush my feelings beside saying that I'm just imagining things, so he said I was right, that he thought too much about his financial problems. I learned he was a month back for his rent, that his credit card was loaded, and that with the bad weather we had this summer he didn't do as well as usual. At least I learned what was bothering him.

he then became more present, more like his usual self, then, two weeks ago, he again started to get spacey, like as if his mind was far, far away.

He reacted weird, like as if he just found out, it's my last university session!

we saw each other on wednesday morning, I called him on thursday, so he should have called me on fryday or saturday(his usual self would). Saturday evening, I sent him a message, telling him I wouldn't be there Sunday evening, as planned, but monday PM. He usually would have called me or replied that it was all right, that he'd wait for me, or anything, but he didn't. So on Monday I left home at 3h30 PM, went in a park near his place, that I reached around 5 pm. I read, walked around, layed in the sunshine, smiled to the beautiful sky. at 9h30pm, he ain't sent a single message to ask where I was... He usually would have around supper time.

I got to his place, he acted happy to see me, but no more. He saw my anger, asked me what was wrong. I told him...

We discussed it a bit, he said he was sorry, went to play (street musician play=work), and didn't saw time pass. He also thought my mother gave me last minutes chores, so that was why I was late. He wasn't worried by the fact I ain't  contacted him, and ain't even saw I gave an approximate arrival time...

OK. I need stability to heal, I told myself. I did as if his excuses were accepted, smiled an laught. wednesday morning, before leaving, I told him twice to write to me before 4pm if he'd be at  Nico's or at his place. (nico is one member of his band, living near places they are busking at). In the evening, they were to play somewhere and lead a jam session (a jam is when musicians gather together to play and improvise) Wedneday morning, I left my flute at his place, asking him to bring it to nico's if he went there. 

He ain't sent a message. So, after class, I went out with a classmate and friend that I didn't see for two sessions. we went to the market, and I saw my bf and the band (it was past 4h45 PM). They were getting ready to leave, and my bf told me they were getting sausages for a barbecue at Nico's. If I wanted to go with them. he also told me my flute was still at his place... I stayed with my friend. we kept walking around the market.

when we parted, I went toward my bf's place to get my flute. Suddenly, I felt hungry. With my depression, hunger is not coming so often, and I'm losing weight at an alrming pace, so when I'm hungry, I have to eat, especially that I'm not for long. So at my place and at JF's, I keep food that is fast prepared and highly caloric. I bought 8 small pizzas the week before. I ate 2, so there was still six in my mind. there was none.

I call him, asked him if he moved them, he sayed he was sorry, he ate them. "I need to eat", I told him, "well, there are some pastas, and sauce" I recalled him that I had to eat when hungry, "well, then you could come over here" I won't be hungry, when I'll get there! it's a twenty five minutes bike ride, and I usually have no more than 10 minutes to eat when I get hungry before all food makes me want to throw up... he said he thought I'd go to eat before going to get my flute, that he intended to replace the food he took but missed time...I almost hung up on him.

he called me later to ask me when I'd be coming, saying he'd come get me. I said I was relaxing, and would come later. I was tired, sent him a message to tell him I needed more to rest than go out, he answered he'd miss me but to rest well. (his usual self).

I then thought about leaving him or letting it be. after my meeting with my psy, I wrote a message to my bf.

Here is an approximate translation of it:

*****************8

I don't know how to begin this letter.

Maybe by telling you that I love you very much, but that this is not enough.

I'm almost thinking that the white powder came back in your life...

You no more do what you say you will, you are getting farther, I no more exist for you, unless we are together. Even when you hold me in your arms, I feel you are far away.

wedneday, before leaving, I told you twice to send me a message to tell me wether you'd be at Nico's place or your own. No message, but past 4:30, I meet you at the Market.

You say you want me by your side, but your acts speak other words.

I don't understand. I no more understand you.

If you're getting tired of me, wouldn't it be more honest to let me know?

I'm sick, and I know I'm asking lot of your energy for my healing. I need stability, and, at this time, I've got more at my place than at yours! That speaks tons! I can't allow myself to impede my healing. I want to get better! There's nothing I can do to help you, and I've got more and more the impression, when going at your place, that I am a dead weight that you don't need. Your distanciation desesperates me! I don't know what to do anymore! I can't even count on your word... As so many others, you say words you know I want to hear, words that would please me, but that you do not feel. You say you will do something, then you forget speaking the words...

I know you've got a lot on your mind right now, but I must think about myself first. To get better. To heal. you helped me a lot, but you are now bringing me down.

No need to say you're sorry. No need to tell me you'll work on it. A leopard cannot change its spots... your way to be is passive. I remember how frustrated I got when, after I complainned you ain't called me often, you told me you didn't usually called others, that others called you. You tried hard, I must admit, but you are falling back in you old habit of not communicating. A relationship is made by two persons. It shouldn't be only up to me to hold the relationship, to keep it going when we are not together... I shouldn't have to tell you, to ask you, and to make you remember that I like to know where we'd meet, when you are not at your place, and that we planned on meeting. I shouldn't have to tell myself not to believe the words you say because you are unlikely to follow them through.

I need a break to think about our future together. I can't continue to see my expectations unmet, and I won't lower them either.

I will contact you later, when I'll have made a decision, or when I'll be strong enough to be no more affected by your failures to comply with my expectations. I must think about healing first...

see you later...

*******************

Writing the letter led me to take a decision.

I sent it as soon as I ended it, now I'm wondering.

I should have waited and spoke to him directly.

I didn't think, I just reacted... 

I feel like a bitch.

If I could access his mailbox, I'd erase the message before he has a chance to read it, I'd then print it and bring it with me next Sunday so we could discuss.

knowing him, he'll leave me alone, no phone calls, no messages, until I tell him "Yes we go on" or "we should decide of a time and place so I could bring you your things and you mine". 

This is so fresh, I'm feeling bad not to have told him I needed a break face to face.

A letter, this is so lame!

but now, what is done is done, I can't change it, so I have to do with it.

I'll take the time I need to decide if I'm better alone... 

I'm with my current bf since a bit more than two years and a half. At the very beginning, he was just someone to have fun with. Didn't intended it to last. Now, when I'm looking forward, I can't imagine my life without him.

Thursday, I went at his place. He went to work (busking), leaving, as usual, his computer open. He left in a rush, after checking his E-mails.

He left a message open. That message was from a meeting website. It showed three possible matches for him.

Of course, I was curious. I wouldn't have checked in his mails, but the window was open on that message. I cliked on the link, telling myself that this must be a spam, though the nikname corresponded to his usual sonorities.

It asked to log in to acces the account. I cliked on the "lost password" link. it sent a password on his e-mail, which I used. I saw that he was a member since March. That he was looking for a woman for a discreete relationship.

Things fell appart around me. I felt dirty, betrayed. Stupid. Blind. Then, desesperate. I went on, opened a new window to play the game I first wanted to.

He came back in in a rush, angry, calling the cops over a man who harrassed him to the point he threw his sax in the man's face.

It was not the time to speak to him. He changed sax, then went out again. I packed the things I had there, Unhooked his keys from my keychain. And kept playing my game. Something broken in me.

A few hours after, I call him. He do not usually busks for more than an hour or two when I'm there.

He said, he'll come up.

He came, complaining about how few money he did busking. Then he saw my face, and my eyes, cold as stones. asks what's up.

"So, you're looking for a woman for a discreete relationship?"

The face he did! He wasn't understanding anything.

I explained him what I found out and how. I said it was over, still cold as ice.

I got up, gathered my bags. He was crying, begging me not to leave him for something as insignifiant as a post on a website, saying nothing happened, that he didn't even think about it, that he was just curious to see how it was on those sites, but that he was never serious about it. He said if I'd leave, he's as well dead.

I stayed cold, heartless. He kneeled, crying, explaining, begging, I stayed cold.

But tears began to flow. He said how much he loved me. What a bad day he had. That what kept him going was the idea that we would have a good supper together. I stood my grouds.

I kept still when he said how bad he felt, like shit, for doing this to me, for the long hours I spent alone, wondering, hurting.  

But when he finally sat back on his chair, stopped rambling, and presented the facts with reason, asking me for at least one meal together, I dropped. I've let it be.

We went to the corner store, came back, had a supper that none of us really enjoyed. On the morrow, I left for work. He walked me to the metro, kissing me before we parted. It was a torture not to kiss him back, not to throw my arms around his neck, but I stood firm.

He sended me a desesperate text. I thought for a bit, then had the idea that, I thought, would make it.

Only one thing he could say could put us back together. It would be to reckon that going on that website, that signing up, was a big deal, and not the little insignificant thing he seems to think it is.

I wrote him that "you have a chance. You have to find out what it is. One hint. You will find it in a book you have, in the introduction. Two people interract in it. A man and a woman. You should see that the excerpt applies to our discussion. If you see it, and recognise it, you will know what to do." In the excerpt, there is Jim and there is Jenny. Jim did something wrong and convinces Jenny that what he did was not wrong, that he did nothing wrong, and, eventually, that he didn't even do anything at all.

All that stands on a page and a half. But it says everything, at least to me.

This is manipulation to pretend that something that affects me so bad is not a great deal. I see manipulation, and lies, and actions that are not according to the person.

It is pretty much like him to sign up on a website just to know what it is, and then forget to sign off.

Anyway. He didn't guess. We exchanged a few messages, in which I hint more and more.

At last, he wrote me an ambiguous message saying that he had three words that forms a question to tell me, and that he would be at my work at the end of my shift. (There is two hours transport between his place and my work, and he hates common transportation). I wrote him back that he had to be reasonnable, that he needed money, and that losing time on transport when he should play didn't seem a good idea. And what could he have to say that couldn't be told over the phone?

He wrote me back that he would prefer to ask me in person. But to call him if I thought it was more appropriate.

I knew what he'd ask.

Marriage.

For him, it's the only way he could really prove me that he's faithful. That I am the only one he cares about, the only one he loves.

I know he loves me. I know he's faithful.  

This is not the question...

Who would ask a girl to marry him, when he knows that the girl is questionning the relationship? I love him. Truly love him. But there are things he still have to learn before I get really engaged with him. I know all forms of manipulations. Some are all right, some are not. Like, when one quieten an angry customer, this is good manipulation. But when manipulation means deceits... no...

I gave up... now it's too late to find an internship...

I'll drop the coop program, but I'm trying to get in the class of translation cabinet simulation. Just sent my application today...

It's not worth to stay in the coop program, I'd have twon internships to do after I'd finnish my studies... it's as well to try to find myself a real job in January...

Thanks to all who offered their support, it meant a lot to me...