journaling..
May 15, 2009 9:19pm
so lately things have been really hard for me.. i have been suffering severe depression(in private, for the most part..i dont talk to people about …
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screamingsilently 
2:39am, October 29, 2009
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About Me
screamingsilently
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About Me
Hi, my name is Megan, so call me Megan. :-) i suffer with many illnesses including Bipolar, Depression, Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, Anorexia/Bulimia((combined)), Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and possibly more that have not been diagnosed to me yet. i am here on DS to make friends who can relate to me and can accept support and also give support in return. i really am enjoying DS so far. :) Other things to know about me..hmm...well, for starters, i am very into humor and being sarcastic ((at times.)), and i really dont like when people are serious ALL the time. i know when its good to be serious, but i really like to laugh and have a good time as well. i enjoy inspiring quotes such as "Would you rather be hated for who you are..or loved for who you're not?" this is something i live by on a day to day basis. i am someone who takes pride in who i am and doesnt care if its not good enough for others. i do not wear a label for my sexuality. my only motto on love is that you cannot help who you fall in love with. i have been with guys and i have been with females as well. i do not prefer one over the other and will not put a label on that..other than Megan. that's the ONLY label i will EVER wear. Thanks for taking time to read about me...now for my interests...here goes...
Hi, my name is Megan, so call me Megan. :-) i suffer with many illnesses including Bipolar, Depression, Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, Anorexia/Bulimia((combined)), Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and possibly more that have not been diagnosed to me yet. i am here on DS to make friends who can relate to me and can accept support and also give support in return. i really am enjoying DS so far. :) Other things to know about me..hmm...well, for starters, i am very into humor and being sarcastic
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Interests
some, but not all, of my interests are: comedy movies such as "baby mama", "stepbrothers", "billy madison", "corky romano", "sixteen candles", and "borat". i also enjoy a few "chick flicks" as well, but not many. some of my personal favorites would be "the notebook", "crossroads"((yes, i DO consider myself a BIG fan of britney. she is still GREAT!)), and "how to lose a guy in 10 days". a few of my personal favorite songs at this time are: Rihanna-"disturbia", Britney Spears-"womanizer", Saving Able-"addicted", Metro Station-"shake it", Taylor Swift-"tell me why", and Leona Lewis-"bleeding love". some other things to know about me are..i enjoy the sunset but dont get to see it often, although i am not a "smoker" i do enjoy a ciggarette on a stressful day, sweet smelling candles((sugar cookie, pumpkin spice, apple spice, blueberry, etc.)), i really like apple juice((lol.-i know, random!)), and i also like taking pictures of the outdoors-things like water, leaves, birds, butterflies, the beach, sunsets, snow, etc. and also pictures of my baby nephew. he has the most beautiful smile i have ever seen! :) as far as my career goes, i have actually just recently had a change of mind about what i'd like to do...i dont know if anyone here has seen the t.v. show "law & order:svu" but i would totally love to get into something like that. they deal specifically with sexually abused victims, and i think it'd be a good thing for me to dedicate my life to. i am also VERY interested in wedding planning, which i was planning to do for my career, but like i said, if i could ever et into what i just mentioned, i do believe i'd choose that over Event Planning. these are just very few of my interests. once you get to know me, you'll realize i have many random silly interests and some serious ones. :)
some, but not all, of my interests are: comedy movies such as "baby mama", "stepbrothers", "billy madison",
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venting..
March 22, 2009 4:13am
so..i have been going through a really hard time lately! i honeslty dont know how much more i can take!!! i feel like i'm on the verge of …
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Hugbook
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Hope life is treating you well. :)
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I just saw your status, but then I noticed that was from August. Hope you're doing well though!
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hey are you alright?
Get Well Soon!
Hey honey girl! I just wanted to stop by and tell you that I LOVE YOU! and that I am SOOOO glad that you got away from that creep before things got even worse! I still can't belive it! I always knew that it was dangerous to walk after dark, but I guess you never really think anything's gonna happen until your staring some weirdo in the face! Or in your case, cornered in the dark with no clue who's attacking you! :,( Get better soon honey! I hope that your eye and head stops hurting soon! I LOVE YOU and I'm SORRY that I wasn't there to protect you! :( That asshole is lucky you didn't see anything cause he wouldn't have a breath left in his pathetic lowlife body once I was through with him! I swear if I ever find out who he is, he better sleep with one eye open!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU MEGAN AND I AM SO THANKFUL THAT YOU ARE OKAY! :X
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Kiss
I love you Megan! I am sorry about the past couple of days and hope that we can get things back on the right track! They were so good there for awhile! I need you, I'm so worried about making rent and paying our bills! Please stick by my side and help me out! Help me stop worrying! I love you and I don't want you to leave! I want to spend the rest of my life with you! XO.
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Photos
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Goals
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Support Groups
Close Sexual Abuse
i was sexually abused from the age of 9 up till i was 13. i am 20 now and wanting to get past it. cant seem to do it on my own, and no one seems to care or understand.
Treatments
- Art Not Working
- i dont find much of anything to be helpful in making me feel "better" about this. people keep telling me "get over it!"...but how?
- Group Therapy Somewhat Helpful
- was in the hospital after a desperate attempt at suicide, and i did go to group and it was very helpful to hear that others cared about how i feel. i dont really get that caring and support anywhere else though.
- Music Working / Worked
- loud music usually helps me to release my anger. but i have also gotten into self injury...been doing it since 5th grade. and the self injury usually happens with loud muic. so i guess i dont know if it is good or not.
- Talking Working / Worked
- about 99% of people DONT understand, but the 1% that do somewhat, its good to talk to them.
Close Self-Injury
been cutting since 5th grade...i was 10 years old...i am ready to say goodbye to this nasty unhealthy coping method. i have hurt myself so much, that it takes a lot to make me feel any pain at all anymore! i just cant seem to feel pain...physical pain...seems so impossible right now.
Treatments
- Group Therapy Working / Worked
- yes. helps to know others care and know how i am feeling.
- Outpatient Treatment Program Somewhat Helpful
- somewhat helpful, because i felt afraid to talk to my theropist about certain things i was doing. i cant see her anymore because of money/insurance problems, but she was helpful with the things she knew about!
- Red Marker Somewhat Helpful
- if i wasnt TOO upset, this would help. but i cannot get any kind of release from this anymore.
- Rubber Bands Working / Worked
- this was very helpful to me, but i think i took it too far. i didnt just do it once and be done. i'd sit there and do it for half an hour, or more, straight, without stopping. i ended up with nasty red welts on my wrists.
- Squeezing Ice Somewhat Helpful
- kinda helpful. it just wasnt the same feeling of pain that helped me so much, when i wasnt so tollerant of pain. the ice was just cold and annoying.
- Talking Not Working
- doesnt help to talk about it, caue everyone's always like "well, maybe if you'd think about other things" or whatever. people dont understand it unless they go through it themselves!
- Tattoos Working / Worked
- this isnt the reason i got MY tatoo, but i can see where this would be an alternative to self harm. if i was feeling bad the day i got mine, i'm sure that wouldve given me some kind of feeling of release.
Open Bipolar Disorder
i have been diagnised with bipolar. i have had it for many years, and am having a lot of difficuly coping with it, especially since i cant talk to my theropist anymore. i cant get any medical professional help for any of my illnesses, so they are definitely taking their toll on me...and my life.
Treatments
Open Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)
i have a bad case of ocd, but try not to blab about it too much. someone very close to me also has this illness, and i feel like she is more important than confessing and talking about my own ocd. i always put others before myself, so i really enjoy helping people and giving advice and whatnot. i keep going back and forth about being in this group, but i have desided that i think it could help me. cause alot of posts i see here sound like my own thoughts and obsessions.
Treatments
- Zoloft Working / Worked
- this worked for me! i can no longer take this medication because i don't have insurance anymore and no money to spend...at all! cannot afford medications, but i think this one helped me!
Open Eating Disorders
i have been struggling with eating disorders for many many years. since i was in 7th grade. its kinda bounced back and forth from anorexia to bulimia, then to a bit of both where i eat little bits of food then vomit. its been really stressful lately and seems worse than its ever been. i really want it to go away...for good this time!
Treatments
- Prozac Not Working
- i used to take this, not for eating disorders, but for depression. it did not work for me, so i was switched to different medications that were a bit more helpful to me.
- Support from Friends & Family Not Working
- they ACT like they're supportive, but then something upsets them and they go into an outburst and say every hurtful thing they can possibly think of! they're NOT supportive!!!
- Zoloft Working / Worked
- this medication did work for me. i can no longer take medications for anything because my insurance ran out at the end of 2008, but this particular medication was very helpful i think ((for depression, once again...not eating disorders.)).
Open Physical & Emotional Abuse
i suffered much physical AND emotional abuse growing up. my abusers being my brother ((who also sexually abused me)), my mother, my mothers ex's, my step dad, my father, most of my so called "family", and my own ex's. it has dedinitely taken its toll on my self esteem and my life in general. i find a lot of difficulty toget through one day and not feel a tremendous amount of anger about it. i have been tough to hate myself pretty much, from all of my abusers. i feel really low about myself...
Treatments
- Art Working / Worked
- drawing seems to help quite a bit. not very artistic myself, but i like to draw. wish i could paint and be creative, but i'm just not that smart!
- Forgiveness Not Working
- i seem to "forgive" EVERY DAY, so it doesnt really help to just say "oh yeah, its okay. i forgive you!" i dont know WHAT will work! it just continues to happen every single day!
- Group Therapy Somewhat Helpful
- it didnt work 100% but it did help be a bit to know that others knew how i was feeling.
- Leave Not Working
- doesnt help. maybe to get myself feeling better, but i always get a guilt trip when i go to leave. and most of my abusers never just let me be alone when i am mad, they have to follow me and torture me more with their abuse.
- Music Working / Worked
- music has always been one of the biggest ways i have used to express my feelings. i also write songs of my own and that seems to help also! A LOT!!!
- Talking Somewhat Helpful
- talking to my girlfriend...sometimes helpful...when she's not being totally rude and hurtful. talking to others about it...not really allowed to do that, and dont really want to anyway...ashamed to say i've let this happen to me. and its not really helpful to talk to people who are not understanding of why my self esteem is so low. if they're not my abusers, they just critisize my low self esteem, which makes my self esteem even LOWER!
Open Miscarriage
screamingsilently hasn’t entered any details for this support group.Open Anxiety
i've had severe anxiety for many years, and i need to figure out healthy positive ways to cope, because my coping methods are not working.
Treatments
- Lexapro Too Soon to Tell
- i was just recently prescribed this medication.
- Positive Thinking Not Working
- i try to think positive, but my anxiety is too overwhelming to consider any other thoughts. especailly when the anxiety turns into the severe panic attacks i get.
- Trazodone Working / Worked
- well, i do take trazodone, but it was prescribed to me as a sleep aid, not for anxiety, but i can definitely see how it would calm someone down.
- Zoloft Somewhat Helpful
- i dont take it anymore.
