Journal

Tonight I went to the viewing of a dear friend's grandfather. He was 87 and it was expected. 

Mina and I have been friends since 7th grade. A few years ago, we realized that we have known each other longer than we havent known each other! Over the years I have spent MANY holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, COWBOY parties--you name it, they celebrated it! I loved her family! They were like my surrogate family. And her grandparents were no different. Her grandparents reminded me so much of my own. Except that mine spoke better English! (The only English I ever heard Abuelo speak was, "One beer, please.")

As I pulled up to the funeral home I realized I was crying. All I could think about was how much of my life these people had been. There were so many wonderful memories. I couldnt get out of car. I just sat there. Finally, I pulled it together & made sure I didnt have racoon eyes. As I entered the building and made my way to the room, I could feel the tears wanting to start up again. When I walked into the room and saw the casket, I held my breath. As I walked down the aisle the tears started running down my cheeks. Mina's family welcomed me with open arms. Her parents were so happy to see me. (Again, it has been years since I went to a "family function".) I was actually suprised at how many aunts, uncles & cousins rememeber me!

Things went pretty normal from there on out. But it bothered me that this "got to me" as it did. Is it because it reminds me of my childhood? Is it because I realize how old we are all getting? Is it because it reminds me of my grandapa? And the fact that his health is failing? Is it because it reminds me of my family? And how I miss them? Because of my dad I dont see that side of my family often. (Maybe once a year if that.) Is it because as I sit there, alone, I am reminded of how much I hate being alone?

I guess it really doesnt matter what the reason.

Tonight I said good-bye to a very sweet man. And today I cried.

Today was just one of those days....it started off good & then just went to shit. Im just so confused as to how it all happened....hopefully a good night sleep will bring some clarity.

I havent written in here in a while.....probably should. It helps keep me sane. Lord knows I could use some now...but, Im just too tired. My brain actually hurts. No tears, just confusion and disbelief. Some days I hate being me.

Wow! I never thought I'd miss this little place so... My computer died about two weeks ago & I finally gave in and bought a new one this weekend! Yeah!! I didnt get a chance to hook everything up until Monday & then the modem didnt work...ugh! Should have the new on shipped today...possibly manana.

Things have just been really hectic lately... Getting the office finished out...I sit in semi-darkness writing this because the lights have not been installed, but the ceieling is in place...go figure... It will be nice and worth it when its all done... A real office-well, it's still in a barn! :-)

I didnt think that I would/should miss some of the friends I've found on this site. I know I read it from all the little blogs & hugs about how people "miss" others...I get it now...We share things with people here that we dont neccissarily do in our everyday lives. For whatever reasons...and I find that I miss getting to "share"....I miss that strange interaction...

Well, gonna get back to work...just decided to take the time to say a few words...

I cant wait to get things back on line again...