Journal

Oct 16

Ok, now the cramps seem to have gone, my stomach looks smaller and now of course I'm worried that I may not be pregnant anymore. Why do I always find something to worry about? It's like I'm afraid that if I start relaxing for a sec, something bad will jump up and smite me. This is no way to live.

Oct 4, Sunday

Tomorrow is the pregnancy test (10 days after ET). Very nervous. I've been very crampy for last few days, seems to get worse. A lot of folks say that they felt like their period was coming and then they got a BFP, but others had the cramps and did get their period. Right now, I'm convinced that I'm in the second camp. I've got to stop micro-focusing on symptoms.

What is scary is that with just one phone call, in just one moment, everything we went through in the last 9 months can come crashing down. This journey that began with the big painful laparotomy (the scar is still dark and thick) can end with 2 fragile embryos not being able to stick. So far, with each phone call, there was always hope, even when things weren't going well (follicles too small, too few, but more could always grow and they did, 2 embryos stopped growing on day 3, but there were always the other 7, etc). Tomorrow, it'll be a yes or a no. The final boolean answer.

I'm going to try to enjoy today.

Unmistakable spotting just started. This cannot be implantation bleeding as it's day 14 - too late. Too crushed to think.

Sep 26

Walked outside several times today to get fresh air. In the evening, felt a bit woozy, warm and tired and am afraid that I might have overdone the walking within the 48hr post-ET window :(

If I didn't walk, I would be stressing that I was getting enough oxygen. It's hard to win at this.