Journal

I'm really sad today. I don't know what to do. I cut my one friend out of my life, and another friend cut me out of his life. It hurts. I suppose I deserve it. I don't know who to reach out to. I've been trying to make amends with people, who I may've alienated from before. I just don't know what to do.

I have a void with the one friend, K. We used to go to lunch almost daily. He was always there, but I felt like a hypocrite in the end and had to cut my losses. He was very conservative religiously and politically to the point that my viewpoints were suppressed, and I was just a good listener. Everything seemed to revolve around his needs, and I did it for years. I decided to make a break because I wanted better friends, ones who were more like me, more supportive of me, etc.-- I explained to my husband that he once told me that if you have a bad employee, the only way to get a good one is to get rid of the bad one. Of course, in the game of life, I'm not exactly publicizing that I need my "best friend" position filled.

On the other side, the other friend, who ended his friendship with me, probably is the one I had in mind to take over this "best friend" role, sadly enough to say. He was dumped by his girlfriend several months back and has been a good friend to me, and I tried vice-versa. Well, he kind of went off the deep end and is majorly depressed and trusts no one and doesn't know who his "real" friends are. Prior to this, I had befriended his friends on Facebook and came up with this group gift idea for Christmas. He asked me about it, and I came forth and told him everything. He's paranoid we're talking about him, doesn't trust me, etc. So, he deactivated his account. This has me really hurting and not knowing how to deal with this problem. I really want some suggestions. He's not responding to my emails. The last time I heard from him was probably on Monday, which seems like a long time, when you have high anxiety. Also, he's shutting out other friends.