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  Thanks

  From help4us Thursday

  Slow down, breathe and love your self, you are worth it!

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  From mselliot November 4

  You're wonderful! Thanks for everything. You deserve the best always.

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  From Lorilou October 27

  Hi Sheenre,
  
  Which conversation are you referring to?
  
  Right now I just finished reading ...."Your Sexually Addicted Spouse" by Marsha Means. I am so relieved to find a book that gives a different model for the trauma "we" (you and I) have been through. I refutes the idea that we a co-dependants or co-addicted. Well actually it agrees with a lot of the good literature esp. Pia Melody, but also P. Carnes, & Vander Kirk and most of those guys. What it plainly spells out though is that it is wrong to label us right off the bat as co-conspirators of any kind simply because we happen to be married to a SA.
  
  Ya see, much like you in the beginning I would fly into a rage whenever I would hear the word co-anything...I felt who do these people think they are, they don't even know me and already I'm guilty before proven innocent. They just assume that I rifle through my husband's belongings looking for evidence, following his whereabouts, obsess over him at all times of day....they think I'm a walking doormat with out even asking so much as my name. They think I've somehow contributed to his behavior and somehow I purposely chose him so I deserve him.
  
  Well some of the worst of therapists look at the co-dependant model that way but some of the better ones looked at it more like Pia Melody. I having as much respect as I do for Melody I have to admit after reading her work I could actually see how I ended up with the man I chose and I could actually see how to heal myself with proper boundaries and communication. In fact I really became a fan of hers when she informed my husband in a workshop that she too hates the word co-dependant and has since started using the word "relational trauma." But then our sex therapist, Dr. Magness gave me this book and I felt such a painful joy for the first time that someone saw me for who I was. "A person traumatized by my husband's actions." And in that trauma many of my new behaviors can look very much like a co-dependant." ...esp. mood swings, OCD, overcome by helplessness, fear and sadness, etc. This model seeks to show empathy for the SO rather than blame which I feel the co-anything model gives. How can you feel empathy for a co-conspirator?
  
  Well so if that is what you are asking I've been looking for an opportunity to share that with you anyway. Cause I thought you'd like that. I know in the past you've fought the co-dependant label even when I was starting to succumb to it. I have allot of respect for you for sticking to your guns on that. I wanted so bad to get better I just started thinking like a Marine...that I needed to be broken in order to be built back up so I submitted to the co-dependant label since it seemed to promise a way out of the pain.
  
  Don't get me wrong I am still glad I did it but it was truly a blessing from God that before I allowed that mentality to sink in for too long this new model arrived. You see in order to go the co-dependant rout (even if it is Pia Melody's) first you have to swallow your pride. (Something we SOs have very little left of.) I feel as much as our self-esteem has been damaged it is not safe to swallow what little pride we have left. After all it is our pride that gives us the power to stand up for what is ours. And we need to draw on that as much as possible if we are to heal. I would still always tell my SO friends after they have addressed the PTSD then to go back and read Pia's model because this then adds the element of how to be "just a down right healthy individual." In fact I think anyone SO, SA, or just regular Joe could benefit from Pia's model. But again first address the PTSD. That is so important. Because the longer you have PTSD the harder it is to get rid of.
  
  Anyway SheenRe, I think I'll write a summery of the book when I get a chance in a later thread.
  
  Take care,
  
  Jennifer

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  Hug

  From ChooseThisDay October 16

  SheenRe, your connecting with the real answer as to why we suffer, and why we should not be angry and bitter at the hands of those who suffer. This is good, because weather uou know it or not yet this will be the key to your freedom.
  
  I want to challenge a few things you said in your last hug. Jesus did not say to avoid relationships because people are unreliable and will hurt you. He said love your enimies, if someone makes you walk a mile, walk two.
  
  What he is saying is that putting your faith in someone besides him will not work out because we are all sinful. So he was not promising you will not be dissapointed, just that your hope does not have to be affcted when you are dissapointed. He can give you the hope and sterngth and hope to look into your husbands failing infidelity and still have the hope and strength to be his loving wife. And know your compassion and committment in the face of his brokenness is one of the most loving thingss he will experience in this world. I am not going to go into the abuse vs. Acceptance thing now, except to use one example. You sexual availability to your husband in spite of your obvious pain, is a very loving, accepting and right act of service that can easily be abused by some men. On the other hand it is difficult not to soften our hearts to God's calling to do our jobs and love honor and cherish our wives in the face of that kind of love and acceptance from them.
  
  I just read that a marriage is notthe place to figt for your rights. In the face of your husbands infidelity, you have the biblical right to divorce. Matt 19, but if you exercise that right you eliminate the possibility o reconciliation, and the very real blessings of having grown stronger in every area this affects including your love for you husband, his love for you, and your ability to help others find freedom.
  
  Jesus does not want you to settle because you think there is no longer any hope because of what you suffered, he wants you to be resurected into a new life of deeper peace, joy freedom and love that would never have been possible if you had not suffered like this.
  
  One final thing. Jesus bride is the church (and isreal). So you can undrstNd first hand how He feels in the face of the church adulterously turning it's back on Him. It may start with the thought of deep anger but to know the sadness and lonliness He feels is something, right?

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  From Charli0217 October 15

  Thank you so much for the kind words. I am delighted that something I said here on DS has been of help to you and your husband. I wish you both nothing but the best. You will both be in my thoughts and prayers in the days and weeks to come.

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