indigomoon's Journal

I haven't written in my journal for a while, been too distracted lately. I started a new Therapist who I am very comfortable with.  His first visit post hospitailization was at my house, it was weird but I muddled through the questions.  My visits are now in his office as now, I've broken through the depression barrier within the last 2 weeks.  My days are still very unconstructed becasue of the layoff, so I never know what t do with myself during the day.  I'm working on that...slowly

I really feel good though, you know, I mean, I really feel like I'm at peace with myself, a sense of optimism.  The days are getting longer and I literally can smell spring in Chicago's air.

I'm so bored though, I have no hobbies so to speak of, work was my life and my hobby.  The recession took care of making sure I have nothing to do but wait for the next opportunity.

Now that I am better, the first thing I realized is that I have no friends.  You know what I mean? Not like your nine -to-five friends you have at work, but friends.  Somehow in the midst of all my madness, I ran them all away.

I have a couple of online friends that keep up with my days events, I there's but it bothers my Partner.  Seems like we're growing further and further apart.  No one really is to blame,  I want to be left alone and  she keep pushing me to do more.  It causes me a lot of anxiety and it makes her feel bad too, I know that.  This is where I interject optimism.  "it'll al work out"

The one goal I am determied to do is get this winter weight off of me.   Being depressed since the end of October has taken it's toll on me physically.  God as person who once not too long ago cared aout every hair i place, made up to perfection, I've let myself go.  One day Last week, I actualy took a long lok at myself and said to self, Damn, you're lookig your age!  Can't have that.  Though I've not gained any weight, laying in bed has redistributed all my parts,lol.  Where did the waistline go?, are those jowls? Back to the ritual daily and nightly facials I deprived myself of for the last 4 months.  Hair, nails, feet Oh my! I'm taking a concerted effort in taking back control of my beauty...But I can't do that til I feel it on the inside...Not quite there yet.

Where a couple of months ago I found myself not sleeping, I now average about 18-20 hours.  But I'm not depressed?  What's really going on?

I'm getting out of the house more...I guess trips to the p*doc and therapist count, right?  I totally missed out on Valentine's day, so my fault.  Kind of like Christmas, I wanted it to hurry up and be over with.  My Partner was not happy about that at all.

Kids giving me the flux but their dad said stay out of their crazy lives.  OMG so hard to do when you live vicariously through other people.  I think I'll go out today...And buy the SIMS again.

It would be the only life I have so far.  But at least I can say on the surface...I'm not depressed.  Just not liking people lately....

Be Well Guys, Chat with you soon.