Journal

I haven't written in my journal for a while, been too distracted lately. I started a new Therapist who I am very comfortable with.  His first visit post hospitailization was at my house, it was weird but I muddled through the questions.  My visits are now in his office as now, I've broken through the depression barrier within the last 2 weeks.  My days are still very unconstructed becasue of the layoff, so I never know what t do with myself during the day.  I'm working on that...slowly

I really feel good though, you know, I mean, I really feel like I'm at peace with myself, a sense of optimism.  The days are getting longer and I literally can smell spring in Chicago's air.

I'm so bored though, I have no hobbies so to speak of, work was my life and my hobby.  The recession took care of making sure I have nothing to do but wait for the next opportunity.

Now that I am better, the first thing I realized is that I have no friends.  You know what I mean? Not like your nine -to-five friends you have at work, but friends.  Somehow in the midst of all my madness, I ran them all away.

I have a couple of online friends that keep up with my days events, I there's but it bothers my Partner.  Seems like we're growing further and further apart.  No one really is to blame,  I want to be left alone and  she keep pushing me to do more.  It causes me a lot of anxiety and it makes her feel bad too, I know that.  This is where I interject optimism.  "it'll al work out"

The one goal I am determied to do is get this winter weight off of me.   Being depressed since the end of October has taken it's toll on me physically.  God as person who once not too long ago cared aout every hair i place, made up to perfection, I've let myself go.  One day Last week, I actualy took a long lok at myself and said to self, Damn, you're lookig your age!  Can't have that.  Though I've not gained any weight, laying in bed has redistributed all my parts,lol.  Where did the waistline go?, are those jowls? Back to the ritual daily and nightly facials I deprived myself of for the last 4 months.  Hair, nails, feet Oh my! I'm taking a concerted effort in taking back control of my beauty...But I can't do that til I feel it on the inside...Not quite there yet.

Where a couple of months ago I found myself not sleeping, I now average about 18-20 hours.  But I'm not depressed?  What's really going on?

I'm getting out of the house more...I guess trips to the p*doc and therapist count, right?  I totally missed out on Valentine's day, so my fault.  Kind of like Christmas, I wanted it to hurry up and be over with.  My Partner was not happy about that at all.

Kids giving me the flux but their dad said stay out of their crazy lives.  OMG so hard to do when you live vicariously through other people.  I think I'll go out today...And buy the SIMS again.

It would be the only life I have so far.  But at least I can say on the surface...I'm not depressed.  Just not liking people lately....

Be Well Guys, Chat with you soon.

This past weekend has been a whirlwind of emotions.  Not scary, initmidating, but thought provoking. It started with witnessing the birth of my 3rd granddaughter. I went to bed overjoyed, full of excitement, full of hopes and dreams for her future, near and far.

The labor was very uneventful, mom's pain was pretty tolerable, and an absolute miracle at best.  Anxiety did not visit me, this week at all.  Sitting and waiting gave me a whole new perspective on life. What it means to me, how I interact with life, how it interacts with me. I learned that Friday, that life is short enough, my inner pains are now bearable, my state of mind at ease and manageable.

I started thinking.  What could I do to make life happier for me, you know, like a baby comes into the world with a clean slate, ready to conquer, ready to challenge, ready to love and be loved.  So I wondered...What if I did the same thing, on this day, right now!  I want to start a clean slate with the direction of my life.  Family, career, friends, thought processes, everything.  Take away all the negativity, hide all the ghosts and gremblins, replace those things with positivity, positive environments, positive people and a positive look at those negative things that trigger me into darkness.

I really feel optimistic about this quest.  I'm taking my time.  I miss being the old me, the confident, corporate, sexy and stable person hidden behind this cloak of negativity. As I mentioned before, I'm taking this task one day at a time.  Rushing into it would be counterproductive and throw me back into the depths of where I've closed the door.

This is my attempt at what I consider perfection.  Leave drama and anxiety behind the door.  Zero negativity, happy thoughts, the love of life and plans for a brighter future.  Will you take this journey with me?