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Feymaiden 
2:53pm, November 13, 2009
A few nights ago, I had a very severe psychotic episode. I usually blank them out, so as far as specifics, I’m not sure what happened or what I did. This one, J admitted he was afraid and didn’t know what to do, and that it was much worse than usual. I’m still sore (probably from thrashing around), bruised, and covered in little scabs from where I think I was clawing my skin. I woke up absolutely flat emotionally, which is fairly typical after an episode like that and I’ve been in a pretty cheerful mood for the past few days (which is also fairly typical).
The only difference is that I don’t feel invincibly happy, as I typically do after a psychotic episode. It was like a wake up call. This is not something that’s just going to go away on it’s own. This is something that I have to work to fix and it’s something that I can’t do by myself. I need help. I accept that. I’ve been toying with the idea of finding a therapist for a few months now, all while continuing to have rather immature and rebellious thoughts about refusing to take meds or even take therapists seriously. And now, I don’t. Or, at least not to the extent that I was having them. All my life, I’ve had a deep mistrust of therapists, psychologist, and anyone in that field. I can’t even explain why I felt this way. Maybe it was just feeling invaded that someone presumed to know more about my mind than I did; maybe it was a prejudiced thought that anyone who makes money off of others’ misery was lower than low. I no longer feel that way. I WANT to get better. More importantly, I want to get better for ME. Before, when I was playing with the thought of finding a therapist, it was because I knew it was something that J wanted me to do. Changing for someone you love is an admirable reason to change, but if it’s something that you don’t want for yourself, the change will never stay.
I feel more calm and at peace than I have in a long time. I know that I’m not always the easiest person to get along with or deal with. I know that I have some issues that I need to work out. And I know that mental illness not necessarily something to be ashamed of. What I am ashamed of is that I’ve been safe for over a year and it’s taken me this long to realize that and to take positive action. I know that it won’t be easy, but it’s something that I have to do. Not just try, it’s something I must DO.
Wish me luck!
The only difference is that I don’t feel invincibly happy, as I typically do after a psychotic episode. It was like a wake up call. This is not something that’s just going to go away on it’s own. This is something that I have to work to fix and it’s something that I can’t do by myself. I need help. I accept that. I’ve been toying with the idea of finding a therapist for a few months now, all while continuing to have rather immature and rebellious thoughts about refusing to take meds or even take therapists seriously. And now, I don’t. Or, at least not to the extent that I was having them. All my life, I’ve had a deep mistrust of therapists, psychologist, and anyone in that field. I can’t even explain why I felt this way. Maybe it was just feeling invaded that someone presumed to know more about my mind than I did; maybe it was a prejudiced thought that anyone who makes money off of others’ misery was lower than low. I no longer feel that way. I WANT to get better. More importantly, I want to get better for ME. Before, when I was playing with the thought of finding a therapist, it was because I knew it was something that J wanted me to do. Changing for someone you love is an admirable reason to change, but if it’s something that you don’t want for yourself, the change will never stay.
I feel more calm and at peace than I have in a long time. I know that I’m not always the easiest person to get along with or deal with. I know that I have some issues that I need to work out. And I know that mental illness not necessarily something to be ashamed of. What I am ashamed of is that I’ve been safe for over a year and it’s taken me this long to realize that and to take positive action. I know that it won’t be easy, but it’s something that I have to do. Not just try, it’s something I must DO.
Wish me luck!
