Journal Entry for July 2, 2009
July 2, 2009 6:14pm
Progress
15 %
Goal End Date is Aug 15, 09 86 days ago.
Feymaiden 
4:36pm Friday
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About Me
Feymaiden
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About Me
I'm a student. I speak three languages and love learning more. I'm a very creative person. I'm a Pagan. I've been a full vegetarian for about six years (lacto-vegetarian and I'm actually lactose intolerant. Irony). I love books. I identify as queer. I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, BPD, OCD, BDD, GAD, social anxiety, extreme paranoia, sleep disturbances, constant nightmares and flashbacks, and some other things that I'm not going to list because I'm already feeling pathetic. I was a victim of sexual, physical, and emotional abuse for a good chunk of my life. I may suffer from trauma disorder(s). My favorite colors are purple and pink. I like prime numbers and the number four. I have a weakness for blue foods (candy, popsicles, whatever. Blue is the best flavor). I'm prone to addictive behavior. Others have trouble following my thoughts although they make perfect sense to me. I advocate human rights and ethics towards animals. Enough randomness about me? I certainly hope so.
I'm a student. I speak three languages and love learning more. I'm a very creative person. I'm a Pagan. I've been a full vegetarian for about six years (lacto-vegetarian and I'm actually lactose intolerant. Irony). I love books. I identify as queer. I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, BPD, OCD, BDD, GAD, social anxiety, extreme paranoia, sleep disturbances, constant nightmares and flashbacks, and some other things that I'm not going to list because I'm already feeling pathetic. I was a victim
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Interests
Reading, writing, art, music, languages, politics, culture, advocacy, and connecting with people.
Reading, writing, art, music, languages, politics, culture, advocacy, and connecting with people.
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Journal
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Psh. Titles Are for Squares.
June 22, 2009 3:54am
I am so happy! I'm not even sure why... I just am. I haven't really felt this good for this long in a ridiculously long time. I feel …
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Best Laid Plans
May 27, 2009 4:34am
I’m so tired of being awake all the time. Heh, I made a pun. Go me, I guess. And, yet again, there’s no one else awake (even the …
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What's the Connection? Insomnia/Loneliness
May 21, 2009 3:59am
Seriously. Where are all the other insomniacs? I feel like I do when I don’t have internet access and I’m awake at night. I feel like the …
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Waking Up for the First Time in a Long Time
May 14, 2009 8:28pm
A few nights ago, I had a very severe psychotic episode. I usually blank them out, so as far as specifics, I’m not sure what happened or what I …
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Hugbook
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Photos
Feymaiden hasn’t uploaded any photos yet
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Goals
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Support Groups
Close Sexual Abuse
I was sexually abused starting at age five and lasting until age nine by two of my mother's boyfriends. I was also raped by a friend's older brother when I was eleven. I've just started trying to come to terms with my past and move past it. I suffer constant nightmares and paranoia, in addition to frequent dissociation during most intimate situations. I have a lot of trouble talking about this and dealing with it and I would really like to move past it.
Treatments
- Art Somewhat Helpful
- Emotional episodes in general send me to my sketch book. I generally feel better knowing that I've created something beautiful but I usually only feel somewhat subdued when I finish. Exhausted of emotion, but not as if I actually dealt with it.
- Group Therapy Considering
- I have difficulty talking about any of this, especially in person (I never told anyone any of this for over ten years since the first episode, discounting the time I tried to tell my mother at age five, something else I find it difficult to discuss). I'm hoping that I can talk with people who've gone through similar things.
- Music Somewhat Helpful
- Music is therapeutic for me.
- Talking Somewhat Helpful
- The few people I've managed to talk to both in person and on the internet have been supportive and I think it helps me accept that it did happen and it wasn't my fault.
Close Rape
I was violently raped at a sleepover by my friend's older brother when I was eleven. I didn't tell anyone for eight years and I still have trouble talking about it. I suffer from nightmares and I frequently dissociate.
Treatments
- Psychotherapy Considering
- I distrust most in the psychology field due to a bad experience I had with a school counselor in middle school, but I think that therapy of any sort may be helpful and I'm considering trying to find a therapist I like.
- Rape Counseling Considering
- I would like to talk though this with someone who is experienced with it.
- Talking Somewhat Helpful
- I still have a lot of trouble talking about it, so whether or not this will be really helpful remains to be seen.
Open Physical & Emotional Abuse
I suffered physical abuse from my father at a very young age (my first memories are of being beaten) and from my mother (who was also physically abused by my father). I was abused emotionally and blamed by my mother for all of her problems and I suffered extensive emotional/verbal abuse from her and my stepfather until I moved out (and it continues sporadically from both). I still try to gain their approval. I've been in several abusive romantic relationships.
Treatments
- Forgiveness Somewhat Helpful
- I try to forgive my parents for what they did, but mostly I try to pretend these things didn't happen (not helpful) and make them love me (not particularly helpful).
- Group Therapy Considering
- I have trouble talking about my past, due partially to shyness and partially to triggering extreme emotional episodes.
Open Agoraphobia & Social Anxiety
I have social anxiety. As a child, I found it impossible to talk to anyone outside of my immediate family (even my grandparents) and was painfully shy. I have panic attacks in crowded situations, especially if it seems that there is no way out. I'm terrified of groups of people and I have trouble even meeting new people, something I hope to overcome.
Open Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)
I was diagnosed with OCD a few years ago. I have routines that I have to follow and things that I have to do or else I go to pieces. I also fixate on things a lot and obsess about nearly everything (and sometimes the strangest things). I've been prescribed medication for it but as paranoid as I am, I threw it away. Now I realize that this is interfering with simple living more than I would have previously admitted and I'd definitely like to get it under control.
Open Trichotillomania (Hair Pulling)
Type: TrichotillomaniaI've had compulsions to pull my own hair out since about age ten. It started with my scalp (not anymore) and since then it has progressed to my eyebrows, eyelashes, and pubic hair. I've gotten a better handle on it in the past year. I still get the urge to pull and find myself doing it without being entirely conscious of it, but I'm definitely better than I was before. I want to connect with others who've gone through and are going through this.
Open Self-Injury
I'm not entirely sure that I have emotional triggers. Usually I just get the urge to, well, mutilate and hurt myself. I could be in a fantastic mood and still want to do it. Most commonly, I beat myself with my fists until I'm bruised or I cut myself. I'm ashamed of the marks I still have. Those close to me don't know how to deal with my self violence and I'm afraid I hurt them when I do this to myself. I have a lot of trouble admitting that I self-injure so getting help is even more difficult.
Treatments
- Psychotherapy Considering
- I've been considering therapy for some other issues I have and would likely try to seek help for this if that goes through.
- Rubber Bands Not Working
- I tried this briefly after reading a factsheet. It was completely unhelpful to me and made me feel angrier towards myself.
- Talking Considering
- Again, it's difficult for me to talk about this, so I'm hoping that doing so will help.
Open Loneliness
I have social anxiety. Basically, I'm terrified of people and public situations, yet I'm desperately lonely and I feel very isolated.
