Winterlove's Journal

Today, I feel the need to organize everything.  I feel the need to become "perfect".  I'm mostly thinking about my career.  See, I have found it very hard to concentrate lately.   When people are talking to me, the words don't sink in and I have trouble comprehending what they are saying.  I try staring at their lips which helps alittle bit.  But, then I get nervous that they are judging me staring at their lips or might notice that I'm not comprehending.  I wonder what's wrong with me, and will I ever find out?

I know that this can be a side effect of depression, but what if it's something else? 

See, I use to be a very smart person.  (I'm not bragging, just smarter than i feel now.)  I could accomplish things.  I was very disciplined, and I liked it!  I use to enjoy waking up and putting everything in it's correct place.  When I'd read something, it was a breeze.  I could do all sorts of things with my brain, and I loved it.  Now, I can't just read a paragraph once.   I have to read it over and over and over again before I know just what that paragraph says.  I see the words, I could read them outloud even, but I don't know what the words mean until I read them over and over again and concentrate on it really hard. 

All I think about is sad things and thoughts of doom.  I'd like to think about changing the world or at least becoming something great like I knew I could when I was younger and smarter.  I don't know what's wrong with me. 

Maybe if I had the ability to comprehend again, I would make better choices.  I would enjoy life more.  I would have something to be proud of.  I use to be proud of my self discipline.  It was a part of me, regardless of what other people might have thought about it.

Oh, there's my friend, must go now.  Might continue later.

Love,

Winter