Mush15's Journal

i feel like i am a nobody. i have such hate towards myself, ive never felt passion as strong as my disgust for me. ever since i was little, ive not liked myself or body.being taught that it was okay to be violated, to be treated like an animal, a nobody. to be regarded as low, as dirt. constantly feeling inferior to my sister feeling like i dont deserve anything feeling like im not worth shit and if i get bad things happen then it must be my fault. im never good enough. everything i do is tinted with shame and guilt. being told i am fat and im ugly and i may as well die. telling myself everyday that i am foul, im pointless. i am nothing.i am dirt. i am fat. believing myself is so easy. i talk to my reflection. i tell her that shes bad, that she needs to stop being selfish, to stop the self-pity, that she got herself like this. ive never waanted anything more than to see someone else staring back at me. someone whose smile does reach her sparkling eyes, someone who feels shameless for being alive, someone proud of herself. someone i'll never be. im so helpless right now. and i find that the most utterly disgusting thing