Journal

i feel fine.  im a little stressed about my car situation still.  i thought i had all the money, i put $3 in the gas tank and paid the rest towards the car at western union. it cost 11 dollars to send it....  so the paymement was actually 105.00, 42 dollars short of what i needed.  i hate owing these folks becuase they act like they dont understand that people are getting laid off work and we're in a bad economy right now.  i am between jobs and can't wait to go back to work nex week.  i will be working in the middle east (making pennies) and risking my life to makeself debt free.  i hate owing people/institutions.  this is a huge source of stress in my life....  another trigger so i am glad to be at home for this mess.  tommaorw morning i am going to the Labor Ready temp service to see if i can scrape up the remainding 42 dollars i owe these folk.  i have a loan that is about to go into forebearance because i am almost 90 days late on that.  Dammit, where are the days when I used to have money and a little more flexibility in my income and less debts?  gosh, it was only three years ago that i was doing much better than i am now financially...  then this reseccion shit and now theres no local jobs.  i have filled out so many applicaions it's unreal.  just any job to stabilize me, but nobody is hiring it seems in the entire california.  it's deppressing alright.....  makes you wanna screw a whole lot more.  no wonder poor people (I am poor but don't have any yet, thanks ortho tri-cyclen and trojan) have so many kids...  poverty messes with your horomones and stress levels, sex is a stress reliever and makes you forget at least for a few moments that you are in deep do-doo.

It's morning time and I am feeling better than I did yesterday.  I have the money to pay my car up for october and I am a little less worried.  I just have to hang in there till i get my first check from my new job (late JAn).  house is taken care of for now.  i'm just faving delinquencies on my credit i guess like everyone else right now.  it bothers me.  the last time i got involved with someone i was stressed out about money and venting to him and he took advantage of my state of mind and the fact that i was so far away form my family.  (middle east).  if only i can make a way to navigate through those tough, doubtful days without falling for the traps the devil lays out.  this year i pray for financial empowement and more financial literacy among other things.  i don't like being vulnerable.  i noticed my money problems seem to be a trigger to my malbehavior since i have been an adult.  when i was an adolescene, it was pure loneliness, and aner...

God is helping me get back on track, I ain't that far off, going for a long run today to clear my head and praise my Lord for giving me clear understanding...