Melinn's Journal

I wrote the same title on another site, after my mom had a stroke.  Now with the recent death of Michael Jackson, I began to think about the direction of my life.  I dread waking up sometimes.  I struggle with the kids.  I don't have anything to really look forward to.  My husband is distant. I have pains I can't fix. I work a night job that is stressful on my body.  My paid job takes away my weekends, so I can't celebrate holidays and family times with full awareness and energy.  I want my kids to have a happy childhood, filled with loving thoughts of their mom.  I don't want to fail them.  I debate whether to work more to earn more money, be more financially comfortable or work less to have more actual time at home.  Either way, I feel I will regret what I didn't choose.  I don't want to be a martyr.  I don't want to be depressed.  I don't want my husband to suffer with me.  Even if I devote all my energy on the kids, I will be left with nothing after about 14 years.  There has to be a better way to fulfill myself and others in a perfect balance.