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Melinn 
3:21am, January 5, 2009
I have been exhausted and worried, so I can't visit here much. I do better when I am actively pursuing a postive goal. Sitting idle leaves me festing in my depression. I have to ride this big wave to the end. I haven't forgotten this site.
I wrote the same title on another site, after my mom had a stroke. Now with the recent death of Michael Jackson, I began to think about the direction of my life. I dread waking up sometimes. I struggle with the kids. I don't have anything to really look forward to. My husband is distant. I have pains I can't fix. I work a night job that is stressful on my body. My paid job takes away my weekends, so I can't celebrate holidays and family times with full awareness and energy. I want my kids to have a happy childhood, filled with loving thoughts of their mom. I don't want to fail them. I debate whether to work more to earn more money, be more financially comfortable or work less to have more actual time at home. Either way, I feel I will regret what I didn't choose. I don't want to be a martyr. I don't want to be depressed. I don't want my husband to suffer with me. Even if I devote all my energy on the kids, I will be left with nothing after about 14 years. There has to be a better way to fulfill myself and others in a perfect balance.
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Develop healthy habits
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Summer is dragging. I really hate the hot weather, so glad it's supposed to rain today. Kids are crazy hyper. I keep them busy with playground, library and museums, but they still wrestle and tease each other at the end of the day. I am exhausted, why don't they just sit and rest? Instead they yell, whine, and beg for my attention. My oldest is addicted to video game, thanks to my hubby. I can feel all his brain cells dying right in front of me. Some days, I wish I could just go to work fulltime at a wonderful job with wonderful coworkers and have wonderful babysitters for the kids. That is an utter fantasy. More likely I will suffer in depression, stress, divorce and die from Lupus in a few years. I know, I need to work on being less negative. I don't even write online as much. The marriage forum I was loyal to, has too many sad people cheating and getting divorce. I need a place with people that are successful and happy. I already surrounded myself and commisurated enough with people with similar problems. I need to step up somehow. I need a new phase in my life.
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The summer here is dragging as well, I live in Massachusetts, where it's rained the past 12 out of 14 days, and there's no sign of the rain letting up. I've been trying to keep busy though, which is what sounds to me like you're doing. The kids having their brain cells depleted by video games is a sad thing, why not try to introduce him to hockey or something else that is fun and a full workout? Explain to him that all he's looking at are ones and zeros being orgainzed through your tv, and that the hunk of plastic and metal is doing nothing to better his future. Try to downplay the video games, to help him see that really, video games are not all that important and are considered by many to be a waste of time.
And as for surrounding yourself with positive people, I totally agree with you, you should defitently do that. I consider myself to be a positive person, though I do have my days when my depression breaks through. I go to school, I volunteer, I do whatever it takes to fight the depression. There's definetly hope for you, you just can't ever give up.
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Here's something I learned from the movie Bridge to Terabithia: "Nothing Crushes Us"
Follow that, and you'll see yourself seeing things as something that can be conquered.
pointofthought