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Tony51203 
6:33am, November 16, 2009
OK so now starts the big experiment. I'm starting the 3rd day since I decided to wean myself off my pills. I'm currently taking half doses. Actually I'm taking a full dose but only in the morning. I'm skipping the evening dose completely.
I'm still doing well, no signs of any depression or mania. This being only the start of the third day I don't how much that says though. I plan on documenting my state each day right here.
I'm expecting some untoward effects from this. I'm fully expecting to go depressive, maybe even a little hypomanic. But I'm hoping to be able to deal with that, by typing it out on here and my blog site, by keeping busy, by talking with my wife, by any of a number of small ways I've found that help me. My hope is that I'll be successful in dealing with it without resorting to the pills. In this way I hope to become medication independent.
I have my misgivings over this. I'm a bit scared and worried that I'll go nuts enough fast enough that I'll need the pills but I won't be able to get back on them fast enough. I don't want to push it to the point where I go suicidal again or where I start hurting myself again.
I spoke with others on this site and they all think I should stay on the pills. Apparently no one who was BP has ever successfully gotten off their meds. They say, rightly so, that BP is a chemical imbalance in the brain and the only way to maintain the balance is to stay on your meds.
However I counter that how do you know the imbalance hasn't corrected itself if you never try to get off your meds? How do you know you can't live without them if you never try?
They counter why? WHat's so bad about the meds? I can't rightly answer that. I know I don't like the side effects, the numbness, the slowed thoughts, the loss of libido, the weight gain. But that's not why. I guess the why is primarily that I just can't accept the fact that I'm chemically dependant for the rest of my life.
Every time I get stable for a while I want off these pills. Every time I feel better I start to question whether or not I need them. I guess once in a while I have to prove to myself that I do.
I guess in that respect I'm actually expecting to fail in this little experiment. Why then do I proceed with it? Because I must, that's why.
So anyway, at the start of day 3 I'm doing well. Here's hoping that continues.
I'm still doing well, no signs of any depression or mania. This being only the start of the third day I don't how much that says though. I plan on documenting my state each day right here.
I'm expecting some untoward effects from this. I'm fully expecting to go depressive, maybe even a little hypomanic. But I'm hoping to be able to deal with that, by typing it out on here and my blog site, by keeping busy, by talking with my wife, by any of a number of small ways I've found that help me. My hope is that I'll be successful in dealing with it without resorting to the pills. In this way I hope to become medication independent.
I have my misgivings over this. I'm a bit scared and worried that I'll go nuts enough fast enough that I'll need the pills but I won't be able to get back on them fast enough. I don't want to push it to the point where I go suicidal again or where I start hurting myself again.
I spoke with others on this site and they all think I should stay on the pills. Apparently no one who was BP has ever successfully gotten off their meds. They say, rightly so, that BP is a chemical imbalance in the brain and the only way to maintain the balance is to stay on your meds.
However I counter that how do you know the imbalance hasn't corrected itself if you never try to get off your meds? How do you know you can't live without them if you never try?
They counter why? WHat's so bad about the meds? I can't rightly answer that. I know I don't like the side effects, the numbness, the slowed thoughts, the loss of libido, the weight gain. But that's not why. I guess the why is primarily that I just can't accept the fact that I'm chemically dependant for the rest of my life.
Every time I get stable for a while I want off these pills. Every time I feel better I start to question whether or not I need them. I guess once in a while I have to prove to myself that I do.
I guess in that respect I'm actually expecting to fail in this little experiment. Why then do I proceed with it? Because I must, that's why.
So anyway, at the start of day 3 I'm doing well. Here's hoping that continues.
UPDATED GOALS
Stay sane
Progress 90%
Encouragements: 5
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