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Tony51203 
6:33am, November 16, 2009
I'm not doing so well today at all. I'm not sure why, I'm just not right. Dunno if that's a down not right or an up not right but I know this - I am not right today.
Coming on the heels of so many days of normalcy this shouldn't be all that difficult to take but in fact it's a actually harder to deal with because of those days of normalcy.
I'm very borderline today. Borderline what, I don't know. Just borderline. I know I'm borderline having a panic attack. I can feel that. I'm right on the hairy edge where that's concerned.
I'm borderline breaking down and sobbing for no known reason. I can feel the tears pressing on my eyeballs.
I'm borderline losing my frigging mind today. I can feel that up in the old gray matter. I'm very borderline there. Maybe a little past borderline.
I'm thinking about taking my own life, again. Last time I tried I made the mistake of writing a goodbye and posting it online. That allowed the powers that be to rescue me when I didn't want to be rescued. It's been almost 6 months now, time to start getting serious about trying again. I think I can put together all the lessons learned from past attempts and succeed this time. After all I really don't want to live this god forsaken life anyway.
Therein lies my quandary. I don't want to live this life, in fact I most decidedly want out of this frigging life, yet I haven't yet worked my way back to the point where I can take my own life. I have days of normalcy where I'm content to live this life but then I spiral down and all I want to do is end it. That's where I am right now.
I have some keen new ways I can do it. I live on the 10th floor now so I have a baclony I can leap. 10 floors straight down should do it if I land on my head, even if it is grass below. I have a gas oven I could use but all of that gas leaking out could make an explosive mixture and I so don't want to harm anyone else in the process.
I have my pills but I don't know if they'll work. Can anyone tell me is it possible to OD on lithium, lamictal, risperdal, mirtazapine and hydroxyzine? Can ODing on a combination of these bring about death? I'm not so sure and I really need to know. Maybe I'll post that as a question here. In fact I think I will.
Well that's enough insane ramblings.
Coming on the heels of so many days of normalcy this shouldn't be all that difficult to take but in fact it's a actually harder to deal with because of those days of normalcy.
I'm very borderline today. Borderline what, I don't know. Just borderline. I know I'm borderline having a panic attack. I can feel that. I'm right on the hairy edge where that's concerned.
I'm borderline breaking down and sobbing for no known reason. I can feel the tears pressing on my eyeballs.
I'm borderline losing my frigging mind today. I can feel that up in the old gray matter. I'm very borderline there. Maybe a little past borderline.
I'm thinking about taking my own life, again. Last time I tried I made the mistake of writing a goodbye and posting it online. That allowed the powers that be to rescue me when I didn't want to be rescued. It's been almost 6 months now, time to start getting serious about trying again. I think I can put together all the lessons learned from past attempts and succeed this time. After all I really don't want to live this god forsaken life anyway.
Therein lies my quandary. I don't want to live this life, in fact I most decidedly want out of this frigging life, yet I haven't yet worked my way back to the point where I can take my own life. I have days of normalcy where I'm content to live this life but then I spiral down and all I want to do is end it. That's where I am right now.
I have some keen new ways I can do it. I live on the 10th floor now so I have a baclony I can leap. 10 floors straight down should do it if I land on my head, even if it is grass below. I have a gas oven I could use but all of that gas leaking out could make an explosive mixture and I so don't want to harm anyone else in the process.
I have my pills but I don't know if they'll work. Can anyone tell me is it possible to OD on lithium, lamictal, risperdal, mirtazapine and hydroxyzine? Can ODing on a combination of these bring about death? I'm not so sure and I really need to know. Maybe I'll post that as a question here. In fact I think I will.
Well that's enough insane ramblings.
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Comments
Tony, i"m sorry to see you lied on your post. I see that it is YOU who wants this information. It's true- the lithium will toast your kidneys before you do anything. But dear, you've been feeling better for such a long time. Why start thinking sucide now? You were feeling ok a month ago- you can get there again. This is not permenent.
HarrietDash
You might be feeling terrible now but that doesn't mean you wont feel better again soon and be glad you didn't follow through with it
Winslet